Afterlife Books

Discussing Our Fears About Death or Not?

2012-02-25T23:45:00.000-08:00

Cameo Theater, Newberg, Oregon

Healthy children will not fear life if their elders have integrity enough not to fear death. Erik H. Erikson

Tonight we gave ourselves another opportunity to view a snapshot of our society. My husband and I went to see the movie “The Descendants.”(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XDwUH02DDWU) Yes, I would whole heartedly vote for this movie to win the Best Movie Oscar and for George Clooney to win the Best Actor Oscar but that is not my reason for posting about this movie.

Our small town has a 1950s circa Cameo Movie Theater that does not hold hundreds of viewers but does show first run movies, has a good sound system, very comfortable chairs and old fashioned ticket prices. As the movie house rules that children younger than 16 must be accompanied by an adult, there were no children present. The theater possibly sold 40 tickets to this showing.

I was highly anticipating the film due to the reviews, the subject matter and actors and I would have expected most of the attendees probably had similar expectations. But, it was interesting to note the reactions of the other movie goers because it reinforced a notion I have held since becoming intimately familiar with the field of death and dying.

The movie grabbed my attention from the first moment and due to that force of attention and my focus, I was aware of little else… except… the constant chatter around us. Now I would not expect people to discuss the actions or verbally interpreting the actors’ actions in a movie in which the central theme is death. But surprisingly, this audience did. Because we could not concentrate on the movie, we did change seats to the other side of the theater after about the first half hour because couples on both sides of us did not curb the chatter as the movie progressed. But even more surprising, after we moved, the two elderly women next to me continued their commentary throughout the movie. It was only when the movie reached its climatic heart wrenching moment that the theater reached silence. (Perhaps that silence was in my own mind due to my own vigilance to my personal experience of removing a loved one’s life support and anticipating the moment of death) (I only mention this plot as it was stated in the promotional previews so I hope this is not problematic for anyone who has not seen the movie)

Death is not an easy subject to think about, to discuss, to observe and especially to grief. But being aware of the uncomfortableness of so many people in this small segment of society was stunning. It is well known information and is a common complaint by many bereaved people that their (personal) lack of support is due to others’ general fears about death (or fears of discussing the subject) by people in their lives.

It was certainly an eye opener to observe this phenomenon in this small venue. I wrote my book, Afterlife Agreements: A Gift From Beyond, I blog about and talk with many bereaved people about death and the hope to normalize the highly denied subject of death. I am grateful to Hollywood for releasing movies of this caliber to give the public the opportunity to at least think about death.

This is a year of massive change. I hope in those changes we become more comfortable discussing our ideas, beliefs and fears about death so as to normalize death as well as recognize the preciousness of life. With hope, Chris

P.S. Have you seen this movie, “The Descendants” or other thought-provoking movies about death? What were your thoughts?

An Awe-Inspiring Celebration of an August Life

2012-02-19T23:59:00.000-08:00

Ron August
An awe-inspiring Teacher

Say not in grief “he is no more” but live in thankfulness that he was. Hebrew Proverb

I attended the celebration of life for a dear friend’s husband yesterday. This was a celebration of life in the truest sense of the term. It could have been the example that funeral planners employ as their demonstration model.

Although it was his request not to have a funeral, the love that flowed from so many from and to this man required a commemoration of his life. And thus, besides the number of those affected by this man’s life, the enormity of the gratitude was felt necessary by so many to voice that his remembrance was held in the local high school gymnasium. Although one speaker said that the venue should have been in the football stadium, this location was a better fit for Oregon’s February weather.

During the commemoration, four people spoke of his history, teaching and high school and college football coaching career, awards, championships, friendships, activities, his personality, jokes and pranks, hilarious memories, his family, his 51 year marriage and his love. And they spoke of their love and respect and the legacy he left in this world. The music played (loudly!) reflected his personality, his life, his family and friends. Their life (gratitude for his wife, Betty was also honored) was the epitome of a giving life. He was a model of expressing life and sowing seeds for others to help them open their hearts.

Certainly there were sad eyes and solemn moments but the feel, the energy in the room was the result of those seeds he sowed in his life. Ron August knew how to beam out that spark of his soul. He knew that in the exchange of his gifts that he, along with those he came in contact with, would grow, learn and become. I know he was present at his celebration and no doubt felt pride in the imprint he left on the many lives he touched.

As August means awe-inspiring, magnificent and worthy of great respect, he certainly chose an appropriate name under which he chose to experience his life lessons in this life. Ron will be greatly missed by many…

This celebration had a profound effect on me and gave me much to ponder…how do you want to be remembered? As Zac said: “Life is a short trip. Make is a good one!” (Zac 6-27-08)

I Want a Sign from My Loved One and Beyond

2012-02-12T00:00:00.000-08:00

Owen opening Christmas present with assistance from deceased loved ones...
(deceased child in orb over heart)

Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; Who looks inside, awakens. Carl Jung

I’ve talked to hundreds of bereaved parents and others who have experienced the death of loved ones. Many discuss the possibility of receiving signs or messages from their loved ones to prove or confirm that their loved one is on the other side or to prove or confirm that they are OK. Then, when someone does receive a sign, the reaction is usually that of elation, a feeling of relief from the ongoing pain and then they want more signs. One sign or message is never enough. We need verification. We want the ongoing relationship. We start to doubt. We slide back into our grief journey again. But, there is an alternative to this process. It comes from opening one’s heart and Knowing.

The following is a wonderful example of this…

I ran into a friend yesterday and she told me such an impactful story that I asked her permission to share it as it is a perfect example of the message I share with others about maintaining a relationship with our deceased loved ones. Her account was not merely the story of a mother receiving a sign or a message from her deceased son but it was a demonstration of reaching and living from a higher level of heart consciousness after the death of a loved one. She too, is a mother who has experienced the death of her child and has maintained a continuing relationship with her son. 17 year old Andrew died on December 30, 2008 of an aggressive form of brain cancer. Although I could illustrate the kind of person he was and how he was respected and loved in his physical life, any reader can sense those attributes by his ongoing actions to maintain the relationship with his mother. I want to display a glimpse of how he is continuing to be a part of his family’s life and how this is possible through his parents’ noticing of his presence.

My friend Anne Meinert shared with me that she received a Christmas gift from Andrew that was overwhelming and beyond anything she could have imagined happening. She prefaced the story with the fact that she asked Andrew for a special Christmas present this year but admitted she was not prepared for the magnitude of his gift from beyond. (Prior to this gift, other family members have received signs from Andrew as well as Anne being aware of his presence through auditory messages and signs.)

The ongoing holiday season activities provided the backdrop for Andrew’s special multi-faceted Christmas gift. As a Christmas present, Anne decided to give their grandson some of her grandfather’s antique Civil War cannons. But, although not finding them in the guest bedroom where she thought they were stored, she completed an exhaustive search of their house, to no avail. Imagine her surprise when she again entered the guest bedroom to find the cannons lined up on the bed! Several weeks later after searching the house for Pokemon cards for the grandkids, they “suddenly (and surprisingly) appeared” in a bag next to the bed. Andrew’s grand finale was in the above picture. This picture is of grandson Owen opening the present containing the antique cannons. If you look closely you can see three orbs and in the one above Owen’s heart is a profile picture of Andrew. (The other one is a close friend who recently passed away and they cannot quite identify the person in the faint orb on the pillow)
Now all of these signs would be wonderful validation to anyone seeking proof of life after death and would comfort a bereaved parent that their child’s spirit continued after their physical death but Andrew had a grander message in mind.

Stepping back from the “materialness” of the gift; the physical moving of the cannons and Pokemon cards and producing themselves in orbs, Andrew bestowed on his mother a gift beyond merely the signs. He gave his mother an opportunity to recognize and own her Truth. And he knew she would recognize it as such.

She asked for a special Christmas gift this year. And although my friend Anne understands soul planning and recognized that her son died as part of the plan they created together, she had no idea she was to gain a clearer understanding of that plan. Andrew helped her move to the next level of her understanding. She did not just receive proof or validation or comfort from his efforts. The magnitude of his gift was in the lesson he brought to light for her and not in the impressiveness of the individual occurrences. He gave her the opportunity to accept this (her current life and relationship with her son) as her Truth not just her belief. And Knowing ones’ truth can occur only when the heart is opened.

JJ Van der Leeuw said that the real mystery of life is not a problem to be solved, it is a reality to be experienced and I surely hope that you recognize the signs you receive and that this experience leads you to an understanding of your Truth…. Chris

P.S. Please let me know if you have had any experiences like my friend or if you’d like to share the signs, messages or gifts you have received….

Do You Notice The Small Miracles in Your Life?

2012-02-06T23:57:00.000-08:00

Accepting the hands of time...

Every morning when we wake up, we have a choice to either open to a potential miracle and celebrate it or to choose complaint and control. Deepak Chopra

I had a telephone call from my sister yesterday and because I felt so good after hanging up from that conversation, I felt compelled to write about it.

My sister has been living with Parkinson’s disease for the last few years. When we get together, I ask her about her treatment, the study she is participating in and how she is feeling. Usually I am updated with recent information about her medications and how and if she is developing the disease behaviors. This conversation was different.

After she updated me on the medication regimen that was changed recently and how it had affected her before and after the change, I commented how courageous she is. She disagreed not thinking that she or her behavior could not be interpreted as courageous. As an explanation, I responded that I have thought about writing an article about the language of grief and how it does and does not serve us in time of grief, loss and times of facing life and death issues. Take for instance the comment that a person is “battling” a disease or died after a long “fight” with a fatal disease. By describing a person’s behavior as battling a disease, it perpetuates a negative belief or view of a person’s behavior or perpetuates the idea that a person needs to face a life crisis from such a stance. Fighting, battling and overcoming set up not only a negative view but leaves no room for recognizing grace, compassion, acceptance or any other spiritual precepts to be interpreted.

Although my sister said she had not thought of it that way, she seemed to prove my message with her following comment. She shared with me her first reaction when she was told she had the diagnosis of Parkinson’s disease. She said the first thing she stated to the doctor was that “at least I know how it will end.” In her case, her initial comment to the knowledge that she would now be living with a fatal disease, she accepted the information that then created a foundation of acceptance which could carry her though her journey. Where others may have taken the stance of the disease as the enemy, her acceptance appears to not change her and allow for her to recognize the grace in her life. (Ex: maintaining her sense of humor and recognizes that her progression is quite different from many others in the study in which she is participating.) When she made this comparison comment, I was able to reiterate my belief that her reaction was one of acceptance and not out of fear and was therefore, courageous as it was so unlike many others with the disease.

Now, my husband also is living with a fatal disease and he too has shared his feelings about living with his disease (COPD) and the choices he makes daily. He is clear that it is not easy living with the “fact” of his life everyday and his steady declining abilities but he chooses to view his life through the eyes of gratitude and from what he has in his life...the good and the bad and he takes responsibility for his choices.

As I have never been in the position of dealing with the daily knowledge that they are living with a fatal disease, I can’t imagine the pain, the thoughts, the discussions they have within their own hearts. But I will say, regardless of how my sister interprets her actions and behavior, I am in awe of her acceptance and admire her courage. I can’t possibly know what she is experiencing but the view of my sister is changed today. Sure, I always respected and admired her as a human being because we were related but for her to share a piece of her heart moved the bar. My job in life is not to change others or how they think but I am just grateful she opened her heart to share a piece of it with me.

I hope you notice the miracle situations in your life and celebrate them…. Chris

Conversations At and About Death

2012-01-30T00:08:00.000-08:00

It should be a sacred day for you when one of your people dies… A sacred day when a soul is released and returns to its home. Black Elk

And…

Yes, I believe to the core of my being that we should discuss death before it is upon us or our loved ones. We need to have end of life discussions. We need to discuss death, life, living and dying. We need to make preparations (Advanced Directives, Wills, DNR orders, etc) But that is only part of the death conversations issue.

I read the following blog today and was compelled to write about it here and hope that more people are exposed to the premise and possibly ponder their own thoughts about the subject. The blog entry I refer to is: The CNN Belief Blog at http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2012/01/28/my-faith-what-people-talk-about-before-they-die/?hpt=hp_c1

Now, I am not advocating one political party or one religious view but supporting author Kerry Egan. Her article states that early in her career as a Hospice Chaplain she stated to a professor that her job duties were talking to her clients about their families. After the professor demeaned her in class due to this response, she realized that after 13 years she would still respond the same way. The article explained the premise that the classroom of love is the family (family meaning birth or created by choice) She also states that “people talk to the chaplain about their families because that is how we talk about God. That is how we talk about the meaning of our lives. That is how we talk about the big spiritual questions of human existence. This is where we create our lives, this is where we find meaning, and this is where our purpose becomes clear.”

Although a Hospice Volunteer not a Hospice Chaplain, I agree in that rarely have my Hospice friends (patients) ever discussed their spirituality, life after death beliefs or understanding of the dying process but they have discussed their families many times over. I agree with Kerry Egan too that we learn about love through the actions in our families whether positive or negative.

We see subjects encompassing spirituality more and more on television: Ghost Whisper and Ghost Adventures, and Ghost Hunters, Celebrity Ghost Encounters and Psychic Kids, Paranormal Investigations, Mediums talking to the Dead but why is it so difficult to actually discuss our questions, our concerns, our beliefs, our spirituality and what our soul tells us about our own spirituality among our family members? The consciousness of our universe is expanding, changing and rearranging quite rapidly. Discussing our spirituality (whatever that means to the individual) is a part of the awakening to our own truths that is occurring in our universe. It’s all part of the mystery of life that is much bigger than the individual. I hope that many of those who do not discuss their spirituality and those who are not willing to open up to living in their own spirit (recognizing and living in their own light) will awaken and see the possibilities in living in and just accepting the mystery of life. There can be healing in the acceptance of “Living What Is” (Zac 5-21-07)

We don’t have to wait until we near our own end of life to ponder our spirituality. It is an action of love to share our truths with each other. I hope you do…Chris

A Deceased Child’s Birthday Present

2012-01-22T20:08:00.000-08:00

Congratulations on a job well done, Zac!

Part of the process (of rebirth) is the growth of a new relationship with the dead…that veritable ami mort Saint-Exupery speaks of. Like all gestation, it is a slow, dark, wordless process. While it is taking place one is painfully vulnerable. One must guard and protect the new life growing within ---like a child. Anne Morrow Lindbergh

How can I thank him for the birthday present he gave me on his birthday? We always shared our birthdays as his was the day before mine. But this year was so different. In years past I have celebrated him in a variety of ways: taking cupcakes to my office, taking cupcakes to the ER as I sat with my mother on his birthday, sending a huge bouquet of balloons skyward as a party for him but this year I memorialized him differently. I sat in gratitude for him. This was a gift of remembrance and gratitude for him as a child, as an adult and as the spirit who I have so come to love and cherish in the last eleven years.

Eleven years ago when we cleaned Zac’s apartment after he died, my husband thought it sweet that Zac kept his kindergarten diploma. He brought it home, placed it in his office as a memento of Zac where it occupied space close to his own life achievement award certificates. But it shortly found itself on a shelf above my desk where it firmly planted itself. I have looked at that framed document daily now for many years but today it changed in appearance. Today the colors were more vivid, the smiles were bigger and the interpretation was different. I always noticed the hands…the hands waving, the hands on shoulders and the hands holding papers and crayons. But today, the hands were different too.

My perspective shifted. The drawing and frame had not changed but the message, the interpretation, my thoughts and feelings were different. I took time to review his life process (yes, it is still considered my grief process because it will be a life long journey but I chose to review his life prior to his death also), where I am today, how I got here and where I am headed now.

That kindergarten diploma change when I viewed it today but that diploma also changed me. I am a different person since placing it on my desk. I knew that I had become a different person as the result of my grief process and the learning gained from it. But today I looked at that diploma and knew the overwhelming gratitude I felt was the gift I could give Zac this year. Yes, I do thank him quite often for his help, advice, comfort and direction in our current relationship but stopping to contemplate him today was different. I understand that many people would not be in a position to “thank their deceased child” as their bereavement would not allow that just as I could not have done so earlier in my grief. But my life’s transformation has made the thought process change.

But this is not all about me. This is about my son, his afterlife agreement with me and the gifts he gave me while he was in his physical life as well as since he has been in spirit.

Zac graduated a long time ago. It just took me a bit longer to trust this journey. He helped me learn to celebrate life rather than grieve it and that my rebirthing process would move from being out of control to learning the lessons we planned. He helped me face my life lessons through noticing, awareness and trusting my world. He supported and guided me while I learned about trust, love and all the gifts that can be received by accepting the mystery of life. Zac’s gift to me was beyond anything I could have imagined touching my life.

I was blessed to have two wonderful sons. (Yes, I say I HAVE two sons) Today is my youngest son’s birthday and I am so grateful for him. My gift to him is my overwhelming gratitude for sharing life and lessons with me. Happy Birthday Zac!

I hope you all recognize the gifts in your life and choose to open your heart to trust them… Chris

Messages from My Universe: Change NOW!

2012-01-21T23:42:00.000-08:00

My journey will enlighten me today if I’m attentive... Daily Meditations for Practicing The Course

I think my universe is trying to tell me something. (The “duh” statement of the day) And I usually listen when the messages are so loud and so clear. I opened up my email and five (5) of them had to do with change. (Almost all of my emails had something to do with change but the exact word wasn’t actually used in the message) I listen to my universe when the message is so blatant.

Of course the beginning of the New Year and all the reminders of New Year’s Resolutions have not gone unnoticed for the last few weeks. But today my intuition collided with my motivation and the light switch moved! (Perhaps with a just a little nudge from the other side!) Yes, I have had plans for the New Year and I have set goals for the shifts I want to generate and complete by year’s end. But I’m so aware of the signs and messages I receive that this was not a day to ignore.

To give even more credence to my belief in there are no accidents in this life: I opened my Course (in Miracles) Daily Meditations and although I looked at the “wrong” page, I received the “right” message. The message for January 20 was:

The formula for discovering peace is simple. Try the following: Stop thinking. Get quiet. Turn your attention to the Spirit within and ask for clarity, for a different perspective, for a forgiving heart. Peace will come.”

Our lives involve so many lessons, so much to discover about ourselves and break free from and so much to learn about allowing, accepting and forgiving in our lives. But it is by embracing change at an intuitive level that allows our spirit, our true Higher Self to create our world. The thinking ego cannot bring us peace but opening up our heart will.

I am all for making life simple and peaceful. I don’t feel the need to know all the questions or have all the answers today or understand all the shifts taking place in the universe. But I do know I have choices. I can let go of my old attitudes, beliefs and thoughts and empower myself to create my own well being by living from my heart.

Has anyone else received this text from their universe?

The daily message from the course read: My journey will enlighten me today if I’m attentive. I got my message, did you? It will be a great year of change… Chris

Remembering My Mother’s Life and Death and Discovering My Spirit

2012-01-10T16:30:00.000-08:00

My Mom and I in 2003

In search of my mother’s garden, I found my own. Alice Walker

Yesterday was my mother’s birthday. Yes, the second birthday since she passed away last November. Because of the numbness and fog I created to survive the death and grief I immediately felt after her death, I was surprised by the major impact this second birthday. I have no need for excuses nor have a need to complain about a painfully sad experience of remembering but rather want to explain the incredible amount of gratitude I have for the experience and the joy the awareness brought me today.

I spoke of my mother and her birthday yesterday while co-facilitating a Hospice Grief Support Group. I wore her 1960s jewelry to encourage spontaneous interactions by those I met during the day. And I talked to her. Of course because we maintain our earthly personalities, when I wished her a happy birthday yesterday she did not want to focus the attention on herself. She joked and accepted the wishes and gratitude I felt for her but she minimized the importance of that day in regards to her. I accepted the short exchange as that was typical for our conversations since her death but I was caught off guard by what occurred today.

My son Tyler not only knew from a very early age that his grandmother’s death was going to have a profound effect on his life; he pondered the effects he might experience at many points in his life. He knew that the strong connection he and his brother had with her was building a foundation of who he was and would become. He said she taught him the religion of taking the high road by her demonstration of making the high road look more attractive than the low road: he had a choice to be good and do good to and for others and to be cognizant of what was happening inside of him. To say that she also affected my life is an understatement.

Although I knew my mother’s death was a fundamental turning point in my life for awareness’s about life, death and living, I needed a yardstick to demonstrate the learning. It took celebrating her second birthday after her death to recognize the significance of the relationship with my mother. Using the barometer of time, I was able to recognize how her death was a turning point in my life emotionally, psychologically, cognitively and spiritually.

I can’t count the number of times I thanked God for her over the last two years as well as the previous ten years in which we experienced the journey through Alzheimer’s Disease with her. Because of the relationship we agreed to in this life, I had many lessons to learn with her and many of them have come to fruition as I have acknowledged them since her death. But, the greatest lesson that death has offered me is the gift of spirit; restoring mine to recognition and appreciation and demonstration of the full impact that it (spirit) can have on anyone living this physical life.

Spirit is who we really are. (Not the physical “who we are”!) It is what makes you feel alive, what animates you and what activates YOU the Self. (With a capital S) When you live in your spirit (not in your grief, your current circumstance, your job, your relationship, etc) it brings the light into you and you can radiate it out. It allows you to open up your heart stuff. It changes powerlessness to self power. It allows you to feel in control of you.

The cycle and benefits of living in your spirit are endless: open up your spirit and you open up your heart. Open up your heart and you allow yourself to see your path. Activate your path and you will feel your power. Feel your power and you will never be powerless over anything in your (physical) life. Feel your power and you continue to shine your light in the world and it radiates back to you…

I have control over the circumstances in my life because I recognize and live my spirit. And this was a result of my relationship with my mother. Yes, she provided me with nurturing, life skills, the principles and mechanisms of heredity as my mother. But, by her example of who she is, (continues to be in spirit) and the lessons she planned in this life taught me to rediscover my Self (my spirit) and the importance of living this life to learn our lessons. She helped me remember the light in me.

And this is why my mother was my first gratitude mentioned when I stepped into the shower this morning and said my thank you with a lump in my throat…. Wishing you birthday awareness’s…. Chris

PS: Looking out my window after finishing this I noted her acknowledgement and smiled. There were two mourning doves walking on our patio under my window...she loved doves and hummingbirds...

Bereaved Parents Dilemma: New Year’s Resolution or New Life Choice

2011-12-31T15:59:00.000-08:00

One does what one is; one becomes what one does. Robert von Musil, Austrian writer

This time of year many of us face the ritual of attempting to develop a New Years resolution. And, come Spring a variety of magazines will claim that many of us are not following through on our New Years’ proposals. The reasons vary because we are a society of individuals, our coping styles are diverse and our choices are numerous.

But this year I’d like to suggest looking at New Years resolutions from a different perspective. Instead of asking, “What one action am I going to take to improve my life” and then addressing weight, over-eating, smoking, exercise, limiting sweets, I propose looking at life – not just one component of, (and yes, you can take any of a number of tools to change your life) but to take responsibility for your entire life and make a choice that addresses your entire life.

I believe that for many people, particularly grieving parents and those in grief depending upon where they currently reside in their grief journey, may have difficulty understanding this proposition. I understand early grief (no bereaved parent can erase this memory) and the (need for and use of) anger, blame, apathy, disbelief, etc used in avoidance of making a life changing decision to move on the path of their grief journey. It is a decision we all need to make at one time or another in our grief: are we going to live for someone else –the deceased-or are we going to live for ourselves?... knowing that yes, our child, our parent, our spouse are still extremely important to us. Because we tend to believe that we cannot live without that loved one early in our process, this belief determines whether and when we can perceive the need for a different life decision. But, somewhere along the line, the decision has to be made that we can and will live without the loved one.

This decision does not necessarily mean we are accepting a “new normal,” it is accepting a new life because one’s life IS new. Your life IS new and IS going to be totally different without that loved one. It is a divorce in your life and a divorce changes a person. Divorce ends not only familiar relationships but severs the components of you. After a divorce the individual must ask who they are now, and discover who and how they are going to live from the death on. Then, one must focus on that new person (YOU) rather than the previous life before the death.

By no means does this decision necessitate forgetting the loved one because of the loss of their physical presence. The relationship has now moved to the heart instead of the familiar physical existence. One’s grief needs to move to the heart so that their own new life can move toward fruition- so the griever can realize the possibility of their new life.

Living after the new life choice may not be normal (who said “new normal?) and it may be a long time coming, but it will be a new life as it comes from new choices…new and different choices.

I encourage you to notice what those choices might be. Try to look through and see through different eyes – the eyes of the heart—they will help you make a different choice. As Zac said, “All things in time…” (9-28-06) Hopeful New Years wishes…Chris

Zayana’s Christmas Gifts: From Z With Love

2011-12-26T22:14:00.000-08:00

Beautiful little Zayana Grace Mendez

Grace isn’t a little prayer you chant before receiving a meal. It’s a way to live. Attributed to Jacqueline Winspear

Previously I posted Christmas Grief: Tips For Enduring After a Child’s Death. But on December 23rd, one set of parents found their own special way of honoring their child, 4 month old, Zayana Grace Mendez’s death. The following link is from our local Portland, Oregon’s KGW channel 8 television station’s article and video of the family’s beautiful memory of their daughter. Following that link is their Facebook page.

http://www.kgw.com/video/featured-videos/Parents-turn-tragedy-into-holiday-charity-136168173.html

https://www.facebook.com/FromZwithLove (Facebook page)

After surviving a questionable childbirth due to brittle bone disease and spending 9 days in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit at Providence St. Vincent Medical Center, little Zayana Mendez died at sixteen weeks. On what would have been her first birthday on December 23rd, bereaved parents, Christina and Ernesto Mendez delivered gifts to all forty babies in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. Each baby also received a card and snowflake ornament. Zayana’s mother, Christina said that the snowflake was fragile, beautiful, unique and heaven sent. They plan to make this a yearly event calling it Zayana’s Birthday Bash.

Like little Zayana’s middle name, they found a grace-full way to memorialize and honor their daughter and her memory. This family has already discovered that giving is a gift in their grief and they have already embraced some lessons their precious daughter taught them in her short lifetime.

Bless you Zayana and all the other babies who chose to help their parents learn some life lessons. Chris

Christmas Grief: Tips for Enduring After a Child’s Death

2011-12-14T20:00:00.000-08:00

Zac's Freebird Christmas tree

As long as you derive inner help and comfort from anything, keep it.
Mahatma Gandhi

*****The following is an article I wrote and submitted to the Open to Hope website. (http://www.opentohope.com/) It will be published on December 21, 2011. As many of us are open to suggestions to make our holiday coping a little easier, I am posting my article here. I’m hoping the suggestions might be helpful and if you have comments or other suggestions, please let me know. Wishing you peaceful holiday moments…. Chris *****

Christmas Grief: Tips for Enduring After a Child’s Death

No one hands bereaved parents a how-to manual after our child dies. There is no guidebook, no instructions, no correct steps to follow, no textbooks, no true, safe or money back guaranteed method or go-to referenced website to visit when we experience the unspeakable death of a child. Besides, we have not been taught what grief feels like, we don’t know how to heal from the pain and we don’t know how to live with all the changes in our world that grief creates for us.

Grief changes everything about us; our world, our beliefs, our values, our thoughts, our behaviors and our interactions with others. We want our lives to be the way they were before our loved one’s death. But personalities are different, our lives are different and other people treat grievers differently. It is within these individual changes, these differences in all of us and in our life itself seeking renewal that begins the recreation of our new self where healing begins.

Healing is not an expectation or a destination in the grieving process. Healing does not mean a cure or a need to fix something that is wrong in a person or their life. (This would attach a negative connotation of faultiness to the person or situation) Healing is not something that a person can force to occur but it must be experienced continually. The pain must be felt, the tears must be shed and then the wound that becomes the scar must be touched over and over until the frequency and intensity is not as impactful.

There are no specific cures, medicines or words to remove the pain of grief. Anniversaries, birthdays, special memories and holidays intensify the pain. And although we may have discovered daily tools to help guide our everyday grief, December seems to require special tips and ideas to navigate the days leading up to the holiday dates. The following are some helpful ideas I have compiled over the years from my own history and from those shared by other bereaved parents. These ideas seem to follow the categories of Self Care, Traditions and Honoring Your Child.

Self Care:
• Accept support
• Allow/ask others to help with Christmas tasks (card writing, shopping, baking, decorating, child caring for certain activities or short term to care for self)
• Feel your feelings, (which means leaving the room or activity if necessary, cry, telling people how you’re feeling)
• Choose whether to participate in activities or not
• Try one new activity for the holiday season, i.e.: do something for someone else, adopt a family to sponsor for Christmas giving, sponsor gift giving for a name from a giving tree, attend a new church, volunteer for the sick, elderly, hospital, soup kitchen, humane society
• Join or connect with a bereavement support group
• Buy yourself a special gift to open on a particularly difficult day,(a shawl, candle, book, stuffed animal, clothing item to solidify your first year’s experience through grief)
• Allow yourself grief time (time to cry, feel your feelings, watch a sad movie, take a walk)
• Avoid excess: food, drink, activities, spending

Traditions: Choose to Change, Create, or Eliminate:
• Decorating: choose whether you want to decorate at all, continue as in the past or change some or create new traditions
• Food/ Eating/ Meals Choose whether to follow established traditions or create new ones. Will you bake cookies, candies, treats or not? Will you continue the serving the traditional menu or change it? Will you continue the same seating pattern or try buffet style or TV trays? Will you change the dinner hosting placement as in a different relative’s home or will you eat at a restaurant? Will you leave town altogether or celebrate in a different location?
• Activities: Stockings: Continue to hang the deceased child’s stocking in which family members place written memories of the loved one to remain in the stocking year after year (to be read at a time of the family’s choosing)
• Plan an activity your deceased child loved to do (sports game, pizza night, movie night, skating, baking cookies, etc)
• Buy presents for disadvantaged children/families, i.e.: children in hospitals, in foster care, in homeless shelters in the deceased child’s name
• Decorate the child’s headstone at the cemetery (with cards, Christmas trees, lights, stuffed animals, etc)
• Decorate someone else’s headstone at the cemetery
• Create a memorial to your child in your home, school, office, etc. This could be their own small tree with collected ornaments or memorabilia.
• Set a place setting at the holiday table for the deceased child
• Have family members share a memory of the child at a time of their choosing with all family present
• Bake cookies/treats for a needy family, homeless shelter, fire department, non-profit agency
• Participate in community-based memorial services where you can hang ornaments in public places for your child

Honoring the Deceased Child:
• Sew blankets or make quilts representative of your child
• Make handmade ornaments for family, friends, neighbors as reminder of your child
• Including all family members, create a memory wreath, a memory box, or memory book using pictures, memorabilia, ornaments, etc
• Decorate outdoor memorial trees
• Plant an outdoor Christmas tree and decorate it yearly
• Light a candle or candles in a wreath each day or create a routine to light the candles to honor your child
• Donate a financial amount of what you may have spent on your child in their name to children’s fund, organization or foundation
• Buy a special yearly Christmas ornament and start a memorial tree for your child
• Give gifts with memories attached of your child: pictures of the child, a tree to plant, a recipe, music, art
• Order US Postal stamps with your child’s picture on them, (http://www.photo.stamps.com)
• Pray. However this looks to you, it lifts you and your child.

Our lives are altered after the death of a child or loved one. Further, holidays will not be the same. They may intensify the pain causing overwhelming feelings as well as obstacles to the grief journey. One must expect sad days, good moments and difficult moments that will require gentleness, compassion, support and planning. The pain of grief will remain with us, will fluctuate and will come and go at various times. But healing the wound of grief comes as the result of change; the acceptance and welcoming of the ongoing changes inside the self and the transformation of the pain into a new presence of who we become due to our identity of a new life purpose beyond our grief.

I hope you can plant some seeds of change for yourself during this holiday season. Chris

Daily Gratitudes: A Useful Tool in the Grief Journey

2011-12-10T23:52:00.000-08:00

An aluminum Christmas tree, in case you have never seen or used one...

Gratitude is the memory of the heart. ~Jean Baptiste Massieu

I got up yesterday morning, not unlike every other morning in which I get into the shower and complete my gratitude check. But yesterday was different because my three daily gratitudes seemed to sum up my life and grief journey.

I have been on this grief journey for eleven years but I’ve also been saying my gratitudes for almost that long. I realized that stating my gratitude first thing in the morning in the shower was a very appropriate thing to do because I found it was one of the best tools to guide me through the helplessness and hopelessness of grief. Moreover, by creating a daily ritual, it helped me recognize where I was along the way in my journey.

My gratitudes vary from day to day but on the surface, today’s acknowledgements were quite basic. Although primary gratitudes, they seemed to touch the core of who I am. The gratitudes I mentioned yesterday were, I am grateful for:

1. My arms and legs
2. My sense of smell
3. My heart

#1. My arms and legs: I thought of the many people with disabilities who cannot shower by themselves which, I accept as a common everyday occurrence. (Yes, the warm water, its availability and my ability to access it have been on the list many times!) I am grateful not only that I can receive this daily pleasure but I am grateful for my arms and legs so that I am independent enough to enjoy these activities.

#2. My sense of smell: To many people, the sense of smell may be their least important sensory system due to the emphasis most often being placed on the senses of sight and sound. However, I have found that the sense of smell has elevated its importance after my grief journey began due to the nose to heart connection. This connection merges many memories of our past to deceased loved ones and events and solidifies them as heart memories. (This, our heart memories, is what is created and transformed from the early pain of grief) (IE: Zac and many other loved ones have verified their presence through various scents to validate and maintain connections from the other side) Therefore, due to the holiday season, I changed the automatic Glade sprayer in the bathroom to the scent of “Spruce It Up.” In the middle of my arms and legs gratitude, although I physically knew I was still standing in my shower, I was transported back over 50 years ago to my grandmother’s house.* My heart memory envisioned my mother herding together my siblings, my cousins and I to open the Christmas gifts. After savoring the sounds, sights and smell of those long tucked away 1950s memories, I completed both #1 and #2 gratitudes.

#3. My heart: My last gratitude was not only for the physical heart that was pumping blood and maintaining this physical life but that “I still had a heart.” Early in my grief journey I truly believed that I would not continue to have a heart as I did not believe I would “come out of this pain alive.” (Bereaved parents understand this thought) I make that statement with quotes because I remember hurting so deeply that I didn’t think anyone could survive that level of pain. (Although in early grief, many of us cannot relate to anyone else’s pain or grief) Many bereaved parents do not believe they are or will be able to endure the intolerable. But I found today that this very same heart that remembered those wonderful memories of Christmas trees and my mother from over 50 years ago also feels compassion, passion and empathy for those who are disabled. It is with that same heart that I can experience those feelings that help me know that I have moved along in my grief journey.

My morning gratitudes and my gratitude journal have been important and helpful tools in my grief journey. I can now understand their usefulness where in the beginning of the process I used them as a distraction from the pain. With time and building faith in a gratitude practice, I recognized the value of it in my life. When I became aware of the life changes, when I noticed and accepted these changes and when I trusted that life would continue, then I continued to transform and grow. With my gratitude practice and resultant changes, I feel more serenity living through grateful eyes than the physical ones. Where does gratitude fit in your life?
Calm holiday wishes to you…. Chris

* Interesting sidelight: My grandparents had one of those 1950s aluminum Christmas trees but my heart memory still linked the evergreen and Christmas scents to those events and people. Wonderful things the nose to heart connection can produce….

Missing Your Deceased Child Does Not Take a Holiday….

2011-11-30T00:04:00.000-08:00

Invitation to Mother's Heart Meeting

"When hearts listen, angels sing."
-Unknown

I looked forward to the Mother’s Heart 13th annual meeting all day today. This group of Moms support each other prior to the Christmas holiday and honor our children by placing an ornament on the tree of remembrance at Attrell’s, our local funeral home. I only attended this meeting one other time but that proved to be the major reason for my anticipation.

Of the probably 20 in attendance, about half the mothers had about eight or more years since their child’s death but the other half were probably under two years of grief. I noticed this because that was the reason for my anticipation. The last time I attended it was about eight weeks after Zac died and as was commented then by many, “I was raw.” The pain was tremendous and I had no one to talk to about my shattered soul. And I recognized that anguish in many faces tonight.

While reflecting and feeling gratitude for the help I received in the eleven years since Zac’s death, I was also able to recognize this need in so many in attendance tonight. Many of us agreed to meet another time before Christmas to provide for a few more moments of relief for those to pour out a little pain from their grieving hearts.

Our hearts listened because we remembered and because grieving Moms “just know.” As we were coming to an end of the meeting I did not hear the angels singing but what I heard was this group of these Moms’ children, all sitting on a small bleacher, cheering on their mothers and wanting them to know that they were there with us and continue to remain close to them…

If you know someone who has experienced the death of a child (not just recently but ever…) say something to that parent about their deceased child. It will not hurt them anymore than they are already hurting. Say their name, mention that you thought of their child or let them know that their child has not been forgotten. Bereaved parents…be kind to yourself and do what you need to do for you… (Listen to your heart…) Wishing you grace, Chris

PS. I hope grieving Fathers are not offended by the focus on grieving Moms as I am equally heartened by the grief of Fathers. My comments were due to the nature of this meeting only.

Are You Grateful or Do You Just Get Wet?

2011-11-25T23:57:00.000-08:00

My bathroom. Planting seeds, one visit at a time….

Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet. Roger Miller

What does walking in the rain or getting wet have to do with gratitude? What is the connection? And why should you care? And why would I even write about gratefulness the day after Thanksgiving? And, will she connect all these dots in one blog entry?

First, because 80 % of the information we learn comes through our eyes, we may miss a lot of pleasure and beauty in life if we limit our life experience to that one narrow observation. To come to the understanding that life is a gift, one needs to open their heart to see beyond only the vision of the eyes. Opening your heart allows you to perceive the gifts of your community, your world and your universe, thus, allowing you to recognize that today is the only day you have. Period. (This is not meant to be a lesson on life and death but encouragement to view living differently…) The hope is to gain the respect for and response to, the day that you have and to be grateful for whatever it holds. When one views their world through grateful eyes, (those born of and which live in the heart) they can see what actually exists and they can interpret it through the uniqueness that each day holds. (i.e.: some people perceive weather as to how it affects their personal world, their activities, their mood, their behavior rather than viewing the wonder of and uniqueness of each day and cultivating an appreciation for the connectedness of the wholeness of the world and how the weather connects us all)

My mother in law had an expression that when someone would continue to lie in bed after waking that they were “soaking.” I always loved her metaphor of drinking in the beauty and comfort of that common but joyful life experience. Anyone can learn to soak up their world by opening up their heart and viewing their world with the eyes of their heart. Life is a gift to cultivate, appreciate and experience.

I hope you plant the seeds of gratitude in your world not only for the pleasure and beauty it brings into your life but for those who will be influenced by your gratitude to choose not merely to get wet but to really walk in the rain.

Like Zac said, “Live What Is…” 5-21-07. It’s a difficult but rewarding lesson…. Chris

I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving and hope your gratitude extends beyond that one special holiday…

Lost and Found: Help for a Grieving Child Through Children's Grief Awareness Day

2011-11-18T23:48:00.001-08:00

If you want to lift yourself up, lift up someone else. Booker T. Washington

Yesterday was Children’s Grief Awareness Day. According to Karen S. Scott, executive director of Ozarks Lost and Found of Springfield, Missouri http://www.lostandfoundozarks.com/ it was to draw attention to the need of children in the following ways. Children’s Grief Awareness Day is:

1. To increase awareness of the impact that the death of a loved one has in the life of a child
2. An opportunity to recognize and support the millions of grieving children across the nation
3. An opportunity to help the children we know and see in our daily lives and make sure they receive the support they need.
4. To help the grieving children we know and see in our daily lives with an opportunity to make sure that these children receive the support they need.

Death is such an uncomfortable subject for anyone to discuss but it is especially uncomfortable to speak to and with children about it. Often we either do not know how to or what to say to those who are in grief or how to help them express it. It is a very lonely population who are often ignored in our society. Other concerns for grieving children include:

1. 1 in 9 American children lose a parent before the age of 20 (this statistic does not include the death of a caregiver not the parent)
2. Children feel isolated as their friends cannot support them and their parent/family members are in their own grief and cannot help support them.
3. Teens are five times more likely to complete suicide, nine times more likely to drop out of high school and ten times more likely to engage in substance abuse.

Although parents, family members or anyone involved with a grieving child may also be grieving, we must understand that children grieve differently and may demonstrate different behaviors at different developmental stages and different milestones in their life. School behaviors may change because of concentration difficulties. Responsibilities and roles may change in the family because of the death. A child’s entire life will be impacted by a parent’s death just as it will impact other family members. The adults need to recognize that this impact will have lifetime repercussions and the loss will be with them forever.

Lost and Found’s website lists a variety of ways that one can support a child in grief. Please check it out at http://www.lostandfoundozarks.com/ Children need support, nurturance, acknowledgement, honesty and to be listened to by caring adults. One grieving parent summed it up in these words: “Lost & Found facilitates the ability to learn how to remember . . . and survive remembering.”

I am so grateful for these groups who support children and their grief. Oregon is quite fortunate to have two such groups: Me, Too and Co, (Me, Too. & Company is a program of Legacy Hospice Services, the Oregon Hospice Association and Providence Hospice Programs) http://www.oregonhospice.org and the internationally known The Dougy Center. http://www.dougy.org/ As a bereaved parent I know how difficult the grieving process is and how thinking beyond one’s own life can be difficult but I also am aware of the helplessness, the lack of safety and the disadvantage of the children in these grieving situations. Please remember them, recognize their needs but most of all, like those of us who have experienced the death of a child, (because we all love to hear our child’s name spoken) help these children keep the memory of their deceased love one alive… Chris

Hospice Intervention and Your Reaction To Death…Is It Normal?

2011-11-16T23:47:00.001-08:00

When the heart weeps for what it has lost, the soul rejoices for what it has found. Sufi Proverb

Today was supposed to be my visit day with my Hospice friend but he passed away last night. I was attending a meeting last night so I did not find out until I returned home late last night.

I was surprised at my reaction but I suppose many folks may look back on their reactions to the notifications of the death of a loved one, a friend, etc and ask, is it normal? We never know how we are going to respond when we learn that a loved one, a relative, a friend or an acquaintance has died.

Although I was able to observe his crossing over today because he was kind enough to give me a picture of his crossing over experience, I still felt sadness. I recognized was my conflicted feelings because I do understand the life and death process and I have solidarity in my truth about life, death and the afterlife. Death is not the end and he, along with everyone else, will continue to exist after the death of this body. My conflict was that I miss him and I will miss our relationship and the time spent with him. Regardless of one’s belief, understanding, knowledge or truth about death, when someone leaves your physical reality, it is painful. Being human is painful. Herein lies my experience today: I had this conflict and I was in pain.

Although a platitude we may want to ignore (or in some cases a cause of anger when it is stated to one in grief) I knew, that “he WAS in a better place” (I know that for a fact and have no doubt whatsoever as I have repeatedly heard this from many who have crossed over) but on the other hand, I will no longer be able to share our conversations. Yes, we are a spiritual being having a human experience regardless of how much, how often, or how we are able to live in our truth, we still have those opportunities to learn through our human existence. Acknowledging and accepting our conflicts opens a door to wholeness for both of the spirits involved. I am grateful for and thank him for those opportunities to share with him and to learn from him.

Not only is Hospice a wonderful organization that demonstrates the epitome of kindness, concern, caring and compassion to one another and those about to transition into the next realm of existence but it is also a wonderful classroom for learning our lessons here.

Mary Ann Evans asked, What do we live for if not to make the world less difficult for each other? He sure answered that question for me…I hope I did for him also. Are you aware of when you are making the world less difficult for those in your life? Chris

Grieving a Parent’s Death vs. a Child’s Death…

2011-11-14T00:14:00.000-08:00

When you are born, you cry, and the world rejoices. When you die, you rejoice, and the world cries. Tibetan Buddhist saying…

One year ago yesterday I said good bye to my mother as she left this physical life. The memory of that passing some days seems like a short period of time and at other times it feels like she left many years ago. I started thinking about the differences between my son’s and my mother’s deaths on this anniversary. I do believe most parents who have experienced the death of a child would agree that there is a difference between any other death and the death of one’s child. At one year after Zac’s death I was still turned inside out and my life was still upside down and I had not yet righted myself. I believe that the death of a child rips apart the entire fabric of one’s being while the death of other loved ones affects different levels of who you are.

When Zac died eleven years ago, my changed life as if it had been hit head-on by a train. With my mother’s progression through Alzheimer’s disease, I continually rode an amusement park ride for 12 years. Zac’s death stopped me cold in my tracks. My previous life instantly ceased to exist in every conceivable way from the moment I was told he was going to die prior to removing his life support apparatus. The diagnosis of Alzheimer’s disease allowed the family to “prepare” ourselves for the loss of her in our lives but it did not eliminate the painful process of letting go of her. Knowing this disease always results in ultimate death, the knowledge allowed us to understand her process of the loss of abilities, the decline in her overall functioning, the loss of the familiar human personality of our mother and the heartache of watching those processes was ever present for many years. Those elusive plaques and tangles in her brain progressively destroyed the person I knew as my mother and tested my abilities, skills, constitution and love in coping with her loss.

But parental grief compels a person to recognize and confront the loss in different forms and on a variety of fronts. The grief from a mother’s death is unique and the following are just a few of the defining components:

• The history of the family dies with a parent. Besides the personal relationship with them being severed, family dynamics change, there will be no more memories made that include the entire biological family and family history is permanently altered. No more family lore can or will be communicated, shared or verified. The challenge is to accept and rewrite the new history for the current generation and grandchildren.
• Roles change from adult child to mature adult caretaker. (roles may change during the caretaking period but a decision-maker role is established after the parental death)
• Regardless of a parent’s state before death, one has to accept the physical death. Forewarning of impending death due to a disease is immaterial at this point and separate from the actual death. Secondarily to this, when memories of the pre-illness parent returns, the loss of one’s “real” parent immerges and one has to transform that loss into memories of the “historical” parent.
• Regardless of whether a person has a solid belief in the afterlife and is relieved for their parent to have shed their broken body, one still has to break the bonds that were created between them to reach accept and transform their continuing life.
• Although one may be relieved of their caretaker role which absorbed much of their time and energy and affected their entire life, they need to reconcile those changes in their current life that are no longer necessary. Sometimes with the disappearance of the role, people question who they are and who they will continue to be without this parent’s needs.

Many people grieving the death of a parent will experience the above and possibly other experiences. The intensity, duration and experiences for grief are unique for all individuals. But the missing will continue. And I continue to miss my mother but, I am receiving some help with this to move through acceptance…

Missing: “You can’t miss that which you don’t have. When did you have it? It was not yours to have. It was yours to keep the piece of what you had, with you, where you can keep it. It is not yours to keep, what’s yours to keep is the lesson from that other” is a quote from a channeled message I received on November 2, 2011. (It shall be released soon)

The truth in my heart is that we will all see our loved ones again, very soon, (there is no time on the other side) but although I am a spiritual being having a human experience, I still have a human perspective. And, I miss the part of me that I had when I used to be with my mother…

Wishing you grace on my mother’s anniversary…. Chris

(I have had conversations with my Mother since her passing and she is doing quite well in her progression, is active and very quickly regained her cognitive abilities!)

How Do You Relate to 11-11-11?

2011-11-11T16:30:00.001-08:00

We must become the change we want to see in the world. Mahatma Gandhi

I have already discussed the attention to and meaning of 11:11 in my life and my belief that 11:11 is angel and spirit encounters letting us know that they are present. (They are reminding us of their presence in our lives through mechanical means, reminders on billboards, license plates, messages, etc) So there is no need to neither continue that discussion again nor discuss the possible implications of 11-11-11 and the beliefs that have been presented in the media about whether something good, bad or nothing will occur because of it. Rather, I see a different direction to head starting today.

Facts to Ponder:
1. In numerology, the number 11 represents vision and a source of light in your life.
2. There is a change in the course of our plant right now. It is a spiritual uplifting that is occurring.
3. You are one spark in this universe. You are there for others and with others to merge those sparks as those sparks are what will create your energetic universe and how you operate in it. The more you will put out, the more you will put back. (This is from “Your Inner Spark” a channeled message I received on 10-25-11 and will be released soon along with other channeled messages)
4. We are all one, here to help one another.

11-11-11 will mean different things to different people. It will be a day where our country will celebrate Armistice Day, (aka: Veteran’s Day: signifying the end of WWI and honoring the veterans and commemorating the victims of war) some might fear the end of the world and to others it may be a day of spiritual significance.

My message for this day is that the number 11 represents balance. My view on this day is to be aware that the world needs balance and healing. And I believe that balance and healing begins with me.

Open your heart for you and for others. Notice the needs of others in the rest of the world. Pray for others. I think it will be an amazing year head. I look forward to the future and what it holds for us in life, love, and living. Embrace the changes…Take one step toward being the change in the world that you want to see…. Chris

Do the Bereaved Fear Living More Than We Fear Death?

2011-10-31T22:45:00.000-07:00

Our Chiquita

We need to teach the next generation of children from day one that they are responsible for their lives. Mankind’s greatest gift, also its greatest curse, is that we have free choice. We can make our choices built from love or from fear. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

On Halloween I am thinking about what might happen tonight; while handing out treats to the children, the children’s costumes and excitement, the Halloween fears for our children and the beginning of the holiday season. We all react with some level of anticipation/excitement about this time of year. But I also was reminded of the dread and fear that the holiday season conjures up for those in bereavement.

Is it the fear of our loss and loneliness? Is it our fear of the pain we might feel during this “happiest of seasons?” Or, is it our fear of living without our loved one that actually plagues us?

When in early grief, it is difficult to look beyond the actual experience of our feelings because we tend to believe that the feeling is “happening to us” at the time we’re experiencing it. But, as we move further in our grief process and become more cognizant of our feelings and how they are affecting our life, we come to realize that we can make a choice about “how” we are experiencing the feeling. Further, we have the opportunity to view our feelings from a different level and come to see that our feelings are not merely “happening to us.” We have choices. Do we want to remain in this uncertainty or do we want to move beyond it?

My life has been given a yard stick that demonstrates this process and provides for learning time and time again. We have a 10 ½ years old Lhasa Apso/Long Haired Chihuahua who has been sick her entire life but has chosen to face her life through giving eyes. This all - sacrificing little creature has faced an overwhelming number of procedures, surgeries, hospitalizations, tests, shots, medications and holistic and vitamins regimes, pain flare-ups and has demonstrated an obvious cycle of feelings in her process. Despite her challenges, she continues to attempt to focus her life on my husband and me. Although completely blind now (due to a combination of all the treatments to save her compromised immune system and required canine immunizations that damaged her retinas) she continues to attempt to please us and provide for our comfort and security.

It amazes us to see her maneuver around her familiar territory knowing that her eyes are totally incapable of visualizing it through her sense of sight. She appears fearless in her routine so we have to adjust and accept our momentary inconvenience to accommodate her inabilities. (Supervising bathroom trips outside, sleeping under foot, watching not to trip over her, etc)

Yes, she is totally blind and could be describe as an elderly dog but I have learned much from our little Chiquita. She is not only fearless in her attitude in light of her own adversities but in her choices also. She could have sunken into a path of least resistance and become totally dependent upon us in her journey to blindness. She could have become totally inactive and deteriorated at a faster pace. She could have become very dependent upon us but she chose to allow her disability to strengthen her.

We adopted Chiquita 8 months after Zac died and I know she came into my life for a reason. (As explained in my book Afterlife Agreements: A Gift From Beyond, there are no accidents in this life and she was instrumental in trusting my continuing relationship with Zac) I have learned many lessons from her in this time and I recently recognized a major one that I believe I chose to learn from her. My life has been an evolvement of changes. Many describe it as a journey or a life path but I like to think my life has been continually evolving because of the choices I face daily.

Our little Chiquita has demonstrated a course in movement through fear. I’m grateful I chose to observe and learn from her. I could have allowed my grief to define me. I could have allowed my fears to destroy me. But I chose to allow my fear to strengthen me.

We can learn our life lessons in all life situations if we are open to them. I hope you notice yours and choose love over fear…. Chris

Deceased Loved Ones – Gone But Not Forgotten…

2011-10-29T23:36:00.000-07:00

Remembering life of long ago...

Death is not a period but a comma in the story of life…Anonymous

Last night my Dad called me and asked me several questions that transported me right back to earlier times in my grief journey. He asked me if my Mom still laughs when I communicate with her on the other side. He asked for two reasons to reassure his mind and sanity. He first wanted to know if she would still have the same personality he’d recognized and because his memory of her was “slipping” and he wanted to be validated. Now this may sound strange but I certainly knew and remembered experiencing what he was questioning.

First of all I told him that my mother’s, like everyone else on the other side has maintained her personality and she still displays and enjoys her wonderful sense of humor. And secondly, I believe, after having this validated by many bereaved parents, that many of us in our grief process seem to “forget” our loved one’s voice, their laughter, their mannerisms, their gestures, etc. Now this is not a deliberate choice that is made or a coping mechanism we employ to endure the pain but I believe it relates more to the missing of our loved one in our grief. Regardless, I knew what he was speaking of since I had experienced this phenomenon too and I thought I knew just what might help him.

I wrote about watching family videos in a previous blog post on June 21,2011 http://afterlifebooks.blogspot.com/2011/06/do-you-watch-videos-of-your-deceased.html but I thought it important enough to repeat the topic. (And because it reminded me that I got distracted last time and never actually made copies of the videos for my Dad then!) Today I pulled out some videos that although I remembered taking them, I had never watched before. We had given my parents a puppy for an anniversary present and Zac was there for the surprise visit. It was such a joy to not only watch “Gussie” and his easy acclimation into the family but it reminded my heart of the wonderful relationship between my Mom and Zac. (I still “see” this relationship between them when I communicate with them now but visually seeing the physical human beings that I knew in this life before is a different kind of comfort)

I did make DVD copies for my Dad but he has not watched them yet so I do not know of his reaction but I know I felt a different kind of calm this evening. Yes, I communicate with my mother and Zac on the other side and everyday I am grateful for this communication and the ongoing relationships that I have been able to continue with them. But, for a little while, I felt like I sat down and had a face to face conversation with them …and I was sad because I missed that….and I miss them.

Be grateful for the little stuff…Chris

What is Dying?

2011-10-25T14:34:00.000-07:00

We are not human beings having a spiritual experience; we are spiritual beings having a human experience. Pierre Teihard de Chardin (1881-1966 French Philosopher and Jesuit Priest)

Death Poem

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and the sky come to mingle with each other.

Then someone at my side says: “There, she is gone!”

“Gone where?”

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and she is just as able to bear the load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says: “There, she is gone!” There are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout: “Here she comes!”

And that is dying…

Henry Van Dyke

Your grief journey will shift when you make the decision to and start thinking about death from their perspective… I know this to be true… Chris

Ghost Rider says, “You Can’t Live in Fear.”

2011-10-22T22:45:00.000-07:00

Zac in his favorite t-shirt

“Healthy children will not fear life if their elders have integrity enough not to fear death.”
Erik H. Erikson

Everyone experiences fear and fearful situations. Fear is probably one of the two most powerful forces in the universe. (besides love)

The fears after the death of a loved one are many:

• Living on without the loved one
• Fear of uncertainty (of life, of what’s to come, of future, etc)
• The unknown; will I always feel this way, how long will this pain continue, can I get through this, did they hurt,(in their dying process) are they OK where they are…
• That the many steps of acceptance is not honoring the deceased loved one
• The choice to live after this pain and grief
• Death anxiety about self and other children (or other loved ones)
• The grief process and whether I will survive it
• And the list continues…

Our culture perpetuates our fear and denial of death. While we want medical technology, drugs and medical practice and procedures to delay ours and our loved one’s deaths, we simultaneously fear death and we are curious about it. Television, movies, the nightly news, magazines all surround us with death’s reality but we view it from a distant perspective which allows us to avoid feeling our emotions about it. We fear death, we fear grief and we fear our negative feelings during our grief process and we fear the lack of control that our grief produces.

We can experience our fear mindfully or we can allow it to fester or become stuck in our body causing depression, anxiety, complicated grief, anger and aggression, addictions and psychosomatic illnesses.

Currently many healing modalities exist to assist with identifying and working through one’s feelings but many of us want to believe that the right pill, program, therapy, etc will eliminate our pain and suffering. We need to surrender to our fear, to face it straight on and let it take us down the road of our own truth. We need to learn to use our fear by trusting our intuition (our internal world) by trusting our perceptions and by letting them guide us to the healing and transformation of our grief.

Many of us who have walked the path of grief have learned that fear can be a spiritual teacher which helps us identify our truth, learn to trust our intuition and assists with our journey through grief.

I’m also grateful for another spiritual teacher who knew in his physical life and in the afterlife that “You can’t live in fear.” Here’s to surrender, survival and transformation…. Chris

Losing Our Heart, Hearing and Understanding in Grief…

2011-10-17T15:56:00.000-07:00

My well used but loved Leatherman...

Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while so that we can see life with a clearer view again. Tom Bodett

The fact is, when in grief we all hear the overused and trite platitudes. (You know the: “She’s in a better place”, “God never gives us more than we can handle,” “It must have been his time,” “Be grateful you had him for nineteen years,” “You’ll be seeing him soon enough” “Its God’s will,”…)

Considering the other person, the reasons for using these platitudes are many:
• The majority of us do not know what to say that may “help” those in grief
• Many of us do not know how to handle other people’s pain
• Many well intentioned people use platitudes because they just don’t know what to say
• Many people use platitudes due to their own fears (death, illness or the current trauma)
• Platitudes help distance the speaker from the griever’s situation (they acknowledge the condition but cannot face placing themselves in the other’s current situation)
• The speaker has no way of understanding the pain due to a lack in their own world view
• Perhaps those words are the best empathy a person can express in an uncomfortable time

Regardless, these words can (and usually are) interpreted as hurtful, condescending and maddening to the griever because of their pain, their internal turmoil and their altered functioning. Their searing pain does not allow the griever to understand the other’s position and thus, react angrily when these comments are offered. But, as time progresses and the griever has moved a little further in their grief journey and no longer affected by the extreme pain and trauma of their grief, (not that the grief ever “goes away” but becomes “softer”) they may be able to view this situation through different lenses. I was grateful to have an experience that reminded me of this very lesson on Friday.

I received a subpoena to testify in a trial that involved a case I worked on six years ago. Not having spoken with the attorney, I had to organize my time so that I would have a few minutes before court to meet with him. Although I arrived early enough before our scheduled meeting, I was met by a long line in front of the courthouse which led up to the security check entrance. The deputy operating the check point conveyor belt repeatedly shouted instructions that “We cannot hold unacceptable items. You must take them outside or we will throw them away for you.” After moving my way to the front of the line and placing all my removable belongings, shoes and handbag on the conveyor belt, I was told to step over to speak with this ridged sounding deputy. He then reminded me that I had a Leatherman on my key chain and told me that he could not hold it and that I must take it outside or he could throw it away for me. Thinking aloud I said that I had carried that for the last 11 years as it was my “Cemetery Scissors” that I used when I’d visit my son and I really didn’t want to throw it away but I had an appointment with an attorney. The deputy’s voice changed to a much softer tone, he leaned down and said, “It’s only an attorney.” As I reached for my Leatherman and he placed it in my hand, he said with a kind and knowing smile, “Good choice.”

Sometimes we have preconceived notions about situations, sometimes we have expectations about how people might respond in certain circumstances and sometimes we are either hurting, overwhelmed or too engulfed in our own concerns to recognize and appreciate others’ responses. The deputy’s reaction was surprising, welcomed and I was so glad that I now had the presence of mind (and healing heart) to recognize it.

It was a short interaction but I knew we had connected on a level that was unlike those with the people before and after me in the courthouse line. In his own way he was demonstrating his concern and voicing his opinion that “what you said sucks and I am here for you.” (This is a very appropriate comment to make instead of those everyday, overused platitudes!)

Grief changes us in ways that we would not expect and recognize until we live though it. We know we lose our heart but it may take a long time to realize the loss of our hearing and understanding. I’m grateful time changes all of them.

Concerning the platitudes, we all have difficulty sometimes and fail to demonstrate our genuine compassion when we lack the appropriate words for the situation. I think saying “I’m so sorry. That sucks and I am here for you” is appropriate and will convey your empathy, caring and compassion, then be present and listen to them. I hope time, tears and opening your heart help your hearing and understanding … Chris

Wisdom at a Funeral

2011-10-11T14:09:00.000-07:00

That is what learning is. You suddenly understand something you’ve understood all your life, but in a new way. Doris Lessin

I attended a funeral Saturday. It is interesting how with each funeral service one attends, different messages and different lessons are learned. In this case, not only did our church family member pass away on Zac’s death anniversary but this funeral was interesting in that it highlighted a common everyday but easily forgotten life lesson.

Corral Creek Bluegrass (http://www.corralcreekbluegrass.com/) played Gone Long Gone, a song by Rarely Herd. (http://www.therarelyherd.com) The song message: “the only thing that will have mattered is the love that we shared and the way that we cared” which by no surprise is Zac’s principal theme in many of his conversations. He often encourages me to release the power of the inconsequential and to recognize that the true meaning in life is the love, relationships and the love one shares while living here.

Anther comment that caught my attention during the funeral was spoken by a family member who related advice the deceased had shared with him many years ago. The message was to “be careful of what you do and remember everything you say because someday you will look back and know that these are the memories you are making. This kind of statement was repeated often in the variety of stories about the deceased as this was the kind of man he was and the life he lived and because everyone knew that his family was his lifetime priority. He was aware that how he lived and what he demonstrated to his entire family would be his legacy and ultimately, he left one that was transparent, forthright and revered.

What is significant in life is not the awards, wealth, success, poverty or hardships. It is the love and relationships of the people who move with you through your life to help you learn the lessons that make up the consequential in life.George Strait said it so well in his song, You’ll Be There: (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dv8n8JFA4Ps&feature=watch_response)

You don't bring nothin' with you here,
Ya can't take nothin' back
I ain't never seen a hearse
with a luggage rack.

Now if we stop to think about it, this information should be obvious to all of us and we should be able to remember it everyday….but do we notice? We are all the same. We do come here with nothing but to learn lessons; the most important one being love and the relationships and people we share it with.

Regardless of the daily pain, the trauma, the problems in your lives, I hope you are able to notice the essential lesson you came here to learn not only for the legacy you will leave but for the benefit of your spiritual growth.

I wish this bereaved family (and my prayers for those of you reading and grieving) comfort, solace and faith in their grief journeys. With grace, Chris

To Grieve or To Live – That is the Question...

2011-10-03T23:29:00.000-07:00

Apples and Jerky

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. Czech proverb

Have you ever had a day that turned out 180 degrees from how you originally intended it to be? At the end of that day did you sit back and recognize the overwhelming value of why it didn’t turn out the way you planned?

In these situations can be the treasured nuggets of our life lessons…if we are aware, we notice, we let go of control and we follow our heart instead of our head.

Saturday, being the eleventh anniversary of Zac’s death, I thought I should do something for this occasion. Now, I had no idea what that should would be but I thought I would at least make the trip to the cemetery to decorate Zac’s marker. But, since I got a late start because I was relaying a message to a bereaved mother from her deceased son and had several other things on my agenda for Saturday including meeting with Tyler after his move “home” from Boston after five years, I had to rethink and redesign the day. My change of plan and follow through came as a result of a short conversation with Zac in which he reminded me to focus on a current life lesson. His message was that I was to live and live by giving and that is what life is all about. He further reminded me that “putting flowers at a headstone is cold, it’s not me and it’s not important and that is one of the inconsequential things now.” (On the lighter side, he also joked and asked me to buy him some apples and jerky at the store)

It was a wonderful day. Coming home after dinner we were greeted by the (outdoor house) cow flag (an October 1st ritual that I’m quite sure the neighbors wonder about the significance) and I not only felt the joy of spending time with Tyler again but my heart was full of gratitude for both of us. I remembered that heavily scheduling my life was a way to maintain my grief and that is not important anymore. What is real, is the people in your life and YOU living. When I allow life to happen, it always seems to materialize just the way it is supposed to. My day started out from grief and ended up in gratitude and grace. Be aware of the inconsequential in your life, let go of it and live your life…. Chris

What? You’re Celebrating Your Child’s Death Anniversary?

2011-09-30T23:39:00.000-07:00

Zac with Katie and Jade Camping 1999 (and the Ram aka The General Lee now)

Our death is not an end if we can live on in our children and the younger generation. For they are us, our bodies are only wilted leaves on the tree of life. Albert Einstein

Should a bereaved parent celebrate the anniversary of their child’s death? How long should a parent celebrate their child’s death anniversary? Well, who else is going to remember? Friends, family, and others have their own lives, interests and priorities and because death is generally an uncomfortable subject for most people, it’s not a common subject for others to remember. This is why most people do not remember after the first year or so after your child’s death. To the bereaved parent who thinks of their child’s death daily, it is a date that will never be forgotten. This day will always be their day that lives in infamy. It will continue to have the same impact as the actual day the child left their physical life. How could anyone forget the day that their present life came to a screeching halt when everything they thought they knew, lived for and believed in changed and they were forced to develop a new yardstick for measuring the time in their lives?

Sometimes the daily impact of this event feels as raw and overwhelming as the day of the child’s death (if only for lesser amounts of time as one’s grief journey progresses) and some days our missing fogs our memory so they seem distant and every measurement of time seems exaggerated. Remembering this date takes on a different meaning because of:
• Living with the daily pain of the death of one’s child
• Knowing you will live the rest of your life without them because of this date
Remembering is viewed from a different light. Because we now have to carry that child in our heart, it is different remembering the death of our children. (it is where they are and what we have) We want to celebrate them, we want to memorialize them and we want others to remember them and that they existed.

But time progresses, this ritual changes…or so I thought! I thought as it had been eleven years since Zac’s death that focusing on the death anniversary would change. I still remember him, of course, but I remember him differently. I remember the 21 year old but no longer try to imagine the 32 year old he might be now… those futile attempts in early grief served no purpose but to perpetuate my grieving instead of healing. Eleven years down the road is different but still the same. Different in that the pain is not as intense, I’ve recognized the importance of acceptance, truth, faith and gratitude and I have learned to make different choices in my life. Obviously, the same in that I cannot celebrate and appreciate making daily memories with him.

Surviving the death of a child gives us ample opportunities to question our sanity, normalcy and stability. Time allows us to move our focus from our physical body and mind to making decisions from our heart. Those decisions are not easy but learning to make them creates one's new healing journey.

I’m not sure HOW I will celebrate Zac tomorrow but I will NOT be the only one who knows it’s his death anniversary date….

I hope you give yourself permission to memorialize your loved one. Chris

Walking to End Alzheimer's Disease

2011-09-27T23:39:00.000-07:00

Me, my brothers, Scott and Dan, and girlfriend, Geneva (and Mom) at the Alzheimer's Walk

Let children walk with Nature, let them see the beautiful blendings and communions of death and life, their joyous inseparable unity, as taught in woods and meadows, plains and mountains and streams of our blessed star, and they will learn that death is stingless indeed, and as beautiful as life. John Muir

Many people expended a lot of time, energy and emotion on Sunday as a gigantic crowd circled the downtown Portland area to Walk to End Alzheimer's Disease. Groups comprised of employees from a variety of Assisted Living, Memory Care, Senior Service organizations, Hospice and family members walked by side by side with the unified focus of bringing awareness to this, the 6th leading cause of death in America.

* Currently 5 million people are affected by the disease
* Alzheimer's disease is not confined to the elderly as people in the 30s, 40s, and 50s are developing the disease.
* One in eight people over 65 have the disease
* Between 2000 and 2008 Alzheimer's disease rose 66%
* Alzheimer's is the most common type of dementia which is a degenerative disease of the brain. (this means that nothing prevents Alzheimer's disease because brain cells degenerate and die)
* There is no cure for Alzheimer's disease. Every person loving with Alzheimer's disease will eventually die from complications of this disease.

It's a frightening disease and people do not want to acknowledge it unless they have a loved one with the diagnosis. And, that is precisely why so many people walked Sunday to encourage others to open their eyes to the possibility, future and inevitability.

Oregon's walk was also fortunate to have as their advocate our State Senator, Ron Wyden (http://www.wyden,senate.gov/) who spoke at the beginning of the walk. He has a long supportive history starting with teaching gerontology, co-founding the Oregon Chapter of the Gray Panthers (an advocacy program for the elderly) was a member of the Nursing Home Administrator's State Board of Examiners and currently serving on the Senate committee on Aging. He truly is Oregon's advocate speaking at four separate events that morning: Oregon Firefighters Climb for Cystic Fibrosis, the Alzheimer's Walk, the Walk to Defeat ALS (Lou Gerig's disease) and the Parkinson's Support Walk.

Senator Ron Wyden speaking at the Alzheimer's Walk

I hope sometime you have the opportunity to walk with nature and recognize the blending and communions of death and life and learn that death can be as beautiful as life even in the face of diseases such as Alzheimer's. Wishing you grace, Chris

Are You Afraid of Death?

2011-09-09T00:06:00.000-07:00

The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time. Mark Twain

I’ve heard from many bereaved parents that one of the gifts they recognized after the death of their child is the fact that they have no fear of death. I certainly agree with them. Usually, this lack of fear does not mean that the parent is suicidal and thus, does not fear death but it seems that parents believe they will see their child after their death and therefore, this eliminates any fear they may have felt about their own death. (Naturally these parents have a basis in the belief that life is eternal and everlasting and they do not believe that they just “cease to be” after death)

Part of Mark Twain’s quote mentions, “the fear of death follows from the fear of life” and that usually includes the fear of talking about death. I’m grateful that I have been able to discuss death with both of my parents after Zac’s death and have found this ability invaluable when my father needs an outlet for his grief since my mother passed away. It has allowed for some wonderful conversations as he has progressed in his grief journey.

Today we discussed not only my conversations with her and his missing her, (I can’t imagine that kind of missing after 65 years of marriage) but this led to discussing what Zac has shared with me about what it is like on the other side and how and what we do when we become spirits again. I know it’s difficult to imagine what living without a “body” is like on the other side and not being able to kiss, hug or hold hands with our loved ones when we meet them again but I was able to share with him information from Zac and he was quite receptive. I explained that what I call life is the human existence (here on earth) and this is where we come to learn the lessons we planned, agreed to learn and with whom we planned to learn them with while here. Being in spirit is actual living. I know it is difficult to fathom the change from the physical earth suit to the spiritual being but besides Zac, many others who communicate with spirits on the other side (Sylvia Browne, John Edward, and James Van Praagh and others) share the same information. “It’s difficult for you to imagine and hard to understand from your present perspective but you’ll understand when you get here.” (Zac’s comment to me) I don’t waste present energy trying to understand because I trust him and it is easier to just live this life now.

I’m so grateful that I can discuss this with my Dad because he tells me this helps his hurting heart. I couldn’t be prouder of him for his willingness to discuss death but also his willingness to choose life. I hope you have a supportive someone you can not only discuss happy times with but someone who will listen to and share your fears. Chris

Triggers for Bereaved Parents

2011-08-28T01:09:00.000-07:00

Remembering is painful, it's difficult, but it can be inspiring and it can give wisdom. Paul Greengrass

Triggers. We tend to believe that as we move through our grief journey that the triggers will not be as harsh, as strong, and will not hit us as deeply as they had in our early grief. But, sometimes we bereaved parents (and others who have experienced the death of a loved one) are given reminders of our humanness in a variety of situations. All of us experience them. We call them triggers. By definition they are anything, as an act or event that initiates or precipitates a reaction, process or chain of events. Those who are in early grief describe triggers as impacting them fast and furiously, at inopportune moments and sometimes take us by complete surprise. But as time passes and we continue to process through our grieving, the complexion of those triggers seem to change due to our movement through our journey and the changes that we have noticed in ourselves and our lives. Being taken by surprise can sometimes bear gifts…if we notice them.

Last week our daughter was in the hospital. My husband had been driving down to the hospital daily to visit with her and I accompanied him on Thursday. The trip to the hospital was a familiar drive as she was being treated at the same hospital where Zac died. We entered a new parking structure and walked into the newly renovated hospital. Although the entrance looked different than it did almost eleven years ago, I was not completely prepared for my physical and emotional reactions. I hesitatingly approached the elevator and noticed my breathing became shallower, and then I held my breath due to the lump in my throat. Obviously my husband was cognizant of this whole scenario, the drive to the hospital and noticed my tears and asked if I was going to be alright. I was grateful not only for his observation skills but also his support, caring and concern.

Myths abound in grief from both the observer’s and griever’s standpoint. The observer (those who have not experienced grief) may expect the griever to be “over” the death by a certain length of time, while the griever also sets up expectations of themselves. We in grief want to believe that once we move beyond a certain point in our journey or after we have practiced many steps of acceptance, that the “new normal” (life) that we all hear about (in early grief) will change us so that we will no longer be as effected by those triggers as we were in our early grief. While I was surprised by my reaction, I recognized that I was still human, still a parent and I still am affected by my triggers. And I know these feelings can and will be with us forever. These trigger situations will continue to occur even when we think we are prepared and are practicing our "new normal" life.

Reframing (viewing a situation or thought about a situation in a different way) is a valuable tool to use not only in grief but in life.By reframing this latest trigger situation, I learned two lessons:

1.Knowing about triggers cognitively and accepting them are two different parts of the grief process. (triggers can and will affect us throughout our life and will be a part of our life)
2.Notice, recognize and acknowledge with gratitude those who continue to remember and support us through our grief journey.

Triggers are one piece of the grief journey that everyone will encounter throughout their lives. Reframing the experience can lighten the burden and move you forward in your grief process. Be gentle with yourself. Chris

Hope, Love, Belief, Determination, It’s All in Your Choice

2011-08-20T23:26:00.000-07:00

“Once you choose hope… anything’s possible!” Christopher Reeve

Some days are awesome and some are awe-filled. I am so grateful for those days that are both…and when I notice them. The day does not have to be filled with inspiring or long anticipated events, special anniversaries or once in a lifetime opportunities. Sometimes the moving lesson that makes it a wondrous day is from a seemingly insignificant experience. And that is what occurred today on a variety of occasions.

Today was not a calendar day to place stars on the date to remember for eternity or even to gauge as memorable for a top ten journal entry. It was just a day to choose what to focus on and being aware of the results. (how life revealed itself) And that is where the “awe” part of the day unfolded. Several positive interactions, mutual agreements and focusing on gratitude started the day but the highlight of this day came when we noticed this little marigold growing in the parking lot at our local Fred Meyer store. How amazing and astonishing it was to notice this strong, healthy plant sustaining itself in the debris (sans a normal growing medium) of the parking lot. I loved what this little marigold stood for; hope, love, determination, strength, inspiration, everything most of us would like to create in our lives which are all the result of our thoughts and decisions.

I’m grateful for the lessons to be learned in these small events in my life. Zac has spoken many times of the large and small lessons to be learned in this life and perhaps this is one of those small ones. Or, perhaps this is the small reminder of a major life lesson…? It don’t matter….lesson reminder noted. I hope you choose awesome days… Chris

Growing Up Jordy Pordy: A play worth seeing.

2011-08-19T23:55:00.000-07:00

Jordan Herskowitz and I at the BPUSA National Gathering July 31, 2011

Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom. Marcel Proust

Growing up Jordy Pordy is a play that is performed by Jordan Herskowitz, a 24 year old writer, actor and storyteller who portrays the parts of at least 30 characters. He performed this powerful, moving and autobiographical one man show at the BPUSA Gathering in July of 2011 but is presenting this play around the world. Jordan Herskowitz has presented this play for several years (and is now acting in his second play called The Girls of Chapel Road) since he graduated from college in 2008. His play takes the viewer on a journey from his employment as a mascot for a baseball team where he can hide behind his mask to describing his dysfunctional family to the double lung transplant and death of his 17 year old brother from Cystic Fibrosis. The play is thought-provoking; the acting is superb and he was able to engage all attendees through his humor and pain. Further, he uses his talent to increase awareness of organ transplants and to memorialize his brother who died of Cystic Fibrosis.

If you have a moment, Jordan Herskowitz has two websites to explain his family’s foundation to promote awareness of organ transplants and to memorialize his brother and his website to explain his plays. http://richiesspirit.org/jordypordy/ and http://jordypordy.com/

Jordan is currently traveling around the USA and internationally performing his play and raising awareness of his foundation. If this play comes to your town, please give yourself the gift and go see this wonderful little play. You will love it! Chris

The Magic Memory Machine or Assistance From the Other Side

2011-08-11T23:59:00.000-07:00

The Magic Memory Machine (as imagined by and created by Tyler and my Mother)

While we are sleeping, angels have conversations with our souls – Author Unknown

Often after a loved one dies, we ask, what would Mom or Dad or my spouse or our child think about (fill in your life situation)? Or, we have many opportunities to wish we could still have their input when we encounter difficult problems. I am quite familiar with this situation but I was fortunate to have recently received a response to a baffling problem and at the same time receive reassurance about my strong belief in the afterlife.

Last month I was preparing my Gifts of Grief workshop outline and PowerPoint presentation that I presented to the Bereaved Parents USA conference (BPUSA http://www.Bereavedparentsusa.org) on July 30, 2011. Although I planned to present similar information from a workshop that I provided last year for The Compassionate Friends National Conference, I wanted to change it somehow and ideas were not flowing together. After a few frustrating days, I decided to ask my guides for help before I went to bed one evening. As I see it now, it was no surprise that my Mother came to my rescue in a dream visit that night.

My mother, who passed away last November after her long journey through Alzheimer’s disease, walked into my dream (dreams about a loved one vs. dream visits will be discussed in a later post) explained The Magic Memory Machine, a new concept for the workshop, described how it would work into the existing information and interpreted how this new concept would illustrate the Gifts of Grief. She was clear, confident and explained in detail how I would describe the Magic Memory Machine and how the workshop attendees would relate to the information.

Mom was correct! Tyler artistically created Mom’s Magic Memory Machine prototype and I implemented the metaphor into the workshop. I was quite pleased, the workshop attendees were able to use the imagery and concept into their learning and Mom continued her status as my mentor.

During the workshop I expressed my gratitude for and explained why this workshop was a family production. (Zac as the reason for my involvement in the first place, Tyler for his creative ability to interpret my mother’s idea and my mother for her design and concept of the Magic Memory Machine) I was further appreciative of those attendees who recognized not only the metaphor of the Magic Memory Machine and how it pertained to their grief but recognized the truth that my Mother was demonstrating (from the other side) the fact that although she passed this life with no memory, she has regained all her faculties and is now able to help me in an area in which she was not previously skilled.

Solidifying my truth was already on my list of the Gifts of Grief but discovering another level of family connections will be added to my next presentation. There are gifts to give and receive in all our relationships. I hope you recognize your gifts in your grief journey. Chris

Learning From Our Children in Life and Death

2011-08-05T19:21:00.000-07:00

“The difference between school and life? In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson. Tom Bodett

Sometimes the teacher needs a lesson as well as the student. I found this to be quite true at the BPUSA Gathering last weekend. (Bereaved Parents of the USA support group at http://www.bereavedparentsusa.org) I was thrilled at the Gathering as I was receiving messages and information from many children to offer to their parents. It was heartwarming and at times overwhelming watching the parents’ reactions knowing that this information brought them some comfort amid their ongoing grief and pain. It was an incredible feeling and it seemed that the process (much gratitude to my guides) was on overtime this weekend. I was blessed to have the spirit guidance with me for this wonderful experience and for the assistance for these parents in such a touching way. (My guides were working overtime) I was especially grateful for one experience which brought me back to a piece of my earlier learning and reminded me of my own lessons in amongst the comfort, lessons and information for all the other parents.

I was sitting in a workshop looking out a window when I saw a child “walk by.”(yes, he walked by the width of one window of the conference room) This was an extraordinary situation for me as I have not been receiving full visual appearances from spirit and therefore this was unique. I once saw Zac as did my husband and Tyler (my son) shortly after his death. At that time, it was his way of reassuring each of us that he was “OK” where he was. But, this (visual appearances) has not been his mode of communication in our continuing relationship nor has it been my spirit guide’s because the messages and communication I receive are through the auditory system (clairaudience), sensing (clairsentience) and clairvoyance. (seeing objects, actions or spirits beyond natural vision). As I had already been receiving and relaying information to and for a variety of parents at the Gathering when I saw the figure move across the window, my attention for the workshop left the room and my brain power for the information presented faded. I started quizzing my guide Samuel; who was this, who was the message for, was there a specific message and where would I find the parent? As I did not have my recorder handy and had to rely on note taking, I wrote down the time when I saw the visual appearance. It was 3:31. As I was asking these questions, I realized that Zac was present and although silent, he was responding with his ever-familiar “Zac grin.” My questioning intensified but his presence encouraged me to calm down and re-remember what I saw in the vision. I saw the male figure who wore light tan Dockers and a long sleeved blue denim shirt. (Obviously, the 108 degree weather does not affect those in spirit and he knew I would recognize his burial attire) I finally realized this WAS ZAC and this was his message to me. This was no message for another parent. He was reminding me to be aware of the signs, to notice, slow down and accept. These were all messages I was to present in my workshop and he was giving me a reminder to step back and learn from my own words.

Now, I could explain this experience in scientific terms involving brain input and the visual system functioning at a slower rate of information uptake than the auditory system. But, I know what the message was and it was that the teacher needed the lesson. I trust what occurred. I trust this lesson was for me not only to be reminded to “practice what I preach” but also to step back and understand from another bereaved parent’s perspective.

Grief is a difficult and individualized journey to navigate but sometimes we have help to remind us of our life lessons. I would encourage anyone who believes and is aware that their child may be giving them a sign to step back when they notice the sign and trust it. Trust what is!

The final piece of this whole lesson was about time and connections. When I noticed the time at 3:31, it was not significant because it did not match the family symbology. (Special language between brothers) When I returned home and reset my watch to our time zone I realized that my watch was off by two minutes. Zac knew it was 3:33 and he was giving me an opportunity to trust!

So many lessons to learn…hopefully we recognize them and are open to learning them. Zac said long ago, “There are no coincidences. If you just “feel like they are there,” that is what is! Trust it!” Chris

Beginnings and Endings for Bereaved Parents at the 2011 BPUSA

2011-08-02T16:41:00.000-07:00

BPUSA Candlelighting July 30, 2011

While there’s life, there’s hope. Marcus Tullius Cicero

Sunday night, coming home from the 2011 BPUSA National Gathering (in Reston, Virginia) all of us who were frantically attempting to board the hotel to airport shuttle suddenly realized that we were coming to the end of our time together and must soon reorient ourselves back into civilian life. For the last three and one half days, about 300 bereaved parents, grandparents and siblings gathered to share stories, learning, emotions and their hearts. And after that short length of time, all lives were tightly woven together like a tapestry to be displayed at the next national gathering. Those connections made (many who had never met one another) will continue at the next Gathering and will appear as if no time had elapsed between meetings.

With bereaved parents, grandparents and siblings, there are no divisions of any kind as the bereaved talk, feel and understand each other with their hearts. Total strangers can come together from all parts of the country with different lengths of bereavement time and within minutes of their first conversation will have created trust and understanding between each other. No superficial build up time or group ice breakers are necessary with bereaved parents as their common experience creates the inherent bond that only another bereaved parent, grandparents or sibling can understand. All openly shared with one another in this hotel setting in which healing, learning and sharing were on everyone’s agenda. Although within the face of each participant was the constant reminder of our own child’s death and the ongoing daily pain that now pervades everyone’s life, each participant can leave with new memories, new friends and hope.

Moving into the civilian life after filling one’s watering can of hope can possibly add to the repertoire of feelings a grieving person has already been accustomed to in their daily life. Many find that returning to a life where people do not and cannot understand grief is depressing and possibly not worth the positive knowledge gained. I can say that this is all part of the journey that all bereaved experience. Yes, it will be different and it will be experienced differently for each individual. Memories created at this 2011 BPUSA (Bereaved Parents USA) Gathering can and will benefit those who attended as they will carry the reminder of the wisdom gained through others’ grief journeys and the enrichment, validation, inspiration and hope they received from the support they experienced.

BPUSA (http://www.bereavedparentsusa.org)is a wonderful support organization for bereaved parents, grandparents and siblings. I am so grateful for the opportunity to experience their love and compassion for helping others find comfort and peace in their grief journeys.

I hope you discover compassion, comfort and peace in your journey. Chris

Gifts at an Airport? (Signs From the Other Side)

2011-07-19T13:29:00.000-07:00

Change always comes bearing gifts. ~Price Pritchett

I arrived home quite early yesterday morning from a weekendtrip from Minneapolis where I attended the 2011 The Compassionate Friends National Conference.(http://www.thecompassionatefriends.com) It wasa long flight home after an unforgettable weekend of learning, networking, andremembering. As always, I stuffed my mental bank with many wonderful memoriesfrom the weekend but I was surprised that the most exciting one was the resultof an event that took place in the airport awaiting a connecting flighthome.

Sitting among a large group of teenagers who were obviouslyenjoying each others’ company, who could be described as acting their age andbeing oblivious of others around them, one might hardly be aware of any otherpassengers in the boarding area. But, Idid notice one young man, who, when I glanced up, looked similar to Zac and aftersaying a silent thank you for his presence and for the reminder of Zac, Ireturned to my book questioning those similarities and the differences in myhead. Although the noise level in the sitting area was obviously reaching somepeople’s maximum coping extent, only one gentle voice shook my calm travelingroutine. This young man called his wife and since he sat down in closeproximity to my chair, I was able to hear his conversation quite clearly. But, while the content of the conversation wasnot important to me, the voice was extraordinary. This young man sounded likeZac! The more I listened, the more my eyes filled up with tears. I had thoughtof Zac so many times during this weekend focused on bereavement, that itsurprised me how overwhelming this situation was and how deeply I was affectedby it. As the announcement had already forewarned passengers that the trips toPortland and to Washington, DC would be loading soon, I decided to thank theyoung man for my private little piece of joy that I was going to take home withme. To my surprise, when I told him he sounded like my son, he beamed andseemed to appreciate the comment regardless of whether he knew Zac or not. WhenI explained the story that Zac died 10 years ago and that it was such a treatto listen to his voice, (not the conversation per se) he seemed quite pleasedand touched by my story. His reactionwas the second part of the joy of that experience. Despite his young age(probably about what Zac’s current age would be) he displayed appropriateconcern for me and my story (without the often response of uncomfortableness andan abrupt ending to the conversation) which only added to my pleasure ofstoring this wonderful memory.

I noticed much change in my life this weekend. I came homewith a brain full of new information, a rolodex full of new friends and networkcontacts and heart fully loaded with new memories. This total stranger, who Imet for a few short minutes before our lives split to follow two opposing coastaldestinations, created not only a lasting memory but it was the pinnacle ofgifts I could have received during this long anticipated weekend. I received a perfectgift from a stranger that I will remember for a long time. And, I received a perfect gift from a son who knew I needed this sign at this exact time! I am grateful to both of them.

Zac has said many times to notice the gifts because they are all around us. I hope you openyour heart to notice the gifts (and the signs) in your life. Chris

Don’t All Bereaved Parents Miss Their Children?

2011-07-04T00:13:00.000-07:00

Tyler and I before he left for home...

He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has. Epictetus

Grieving parents become experts at missing their children. We do it all day, every day after their deaths. Time may change the grief journey, the daily emotions, and the reactions to daily living and how we view ourselves but the missing our children never changes.
I experienced a different kind of situation concerning missing my children and it not only opened my eyes to a new perspective but I again had to thank Zac for a life lesson and for helping me recognize a truth he discussed many years ago.

My son Tyler came home for a visit after five years of living in Boston. Of course it was a wonderful visit and seeing him gladdened my heart. But the realization of my truth was not based on the physical level. My discernment came several days after Tyler had been here and seeing him made me realize how much I had actually missed him that made me compare my current relationships to my sons. But I will need to back up many years to explain that comparison and how I came to understand this truth.

Many years ago, when I first began to communicate with Zac, (actually it was on March 22, 2001 in one of our earliest conversations) he told me that “our relationship will be different; it will be better and on a different level and longer lasting.” Of course at first I believed him with my brain but not with my heart due to the pain of the grief. As time progressed and I developed a different gauge for my grief, I was able to see not only the changes in my life but I could also see how our relationship had changed and grown. Zac was right; my relationship with him WAS different, (obviously) it WAS better, (I talk to him much more often) it WAS on a different level (I had no idea the gifts I would gain from this new relationship) and I KNOW it is longer lasting (as we will continue our relationship on this level not the physical relationship we once experienced and enjoyed).

Thus, I realized that I can have Zac with me all the time (when I am aware and he is available) and I realized with this visit how much I miss the physical level relationship with Tyler. So, yes, Zac was right. In ten years we have grown into a different level relationship that I accept now and recognize the gifts I have received as the result of why his death happened for me.

Tyler went home to Boston last night. I miss him already. I miss both of my sons but I am oh so grateful for both of them.

I’m not so sure that I can be called “a wise man” by Epictetus because I have continued to miss Zac everyday since he passed away but I can say that I view his death differently now. Yes, it did take some time to accept this view but I know I have strong relationships with both of my boys regardless of where they live now… I wish you hope in your missing…. Chris

Do you Watch Videos of Your Deceased Loved One?

2011-06-21T15:32:00.000-07:00

People do not die forus immediately, but remain bathed in a sort of aura of life which bears norelation to true immortality but through which they continue to occupy ourthoughts in the same way as when they were alive. It is as though they weretraveling abroad. Marcel Proust

When I found this quote a long time ago, I never thought Iwould be using it in an article or blog post this long after Zac’s death. Ithought it would probably be more appropriate for a writing that addressed anearlier stage of grief when many of us in grief question whether our thinkingabout our deceased loved one is “normal” or are we "abnormal" for ruminating or constantlythinking about them. (this is just one example of how we question our sanitywhile in grief) But I found it appropriate for my experience of last night.

Thinking my Father may want to watch some old family videos,I perused our collection of VCR tapes and planned to convert them to DVDs forhim. I never got that far. I ended up watching the entire video of our lastChristmas with Zac from 1999. (this was also the year we started noticing somechanges in Mom, later to be diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease.) This was thefirst time I watched it completely through the entire tape. At first it wasquite painful to watch as I missed Zac and I missed Mom but as I continued towatch them, (I seemed to start watching THEM not the video) I realized that thememory of them, their actions and their voices seemed so close to me and thosememories were so vivid that it was like watching them on the television as if Ihad just made the video last week. This jaunt almost felt like beingtransported to a different time zone (or possibly the Twilight zone!) as Iwatched them with different eyes. That video took me to a time in my past thatI had only visited previously with my mind. Last night I visited with my heartand my heart saw my son and mother differently. When I moved the memory ofthose moments from the television screen back into my heart, I experienced anunfamiliar but very welcomed new feeling. I turned the television off withteary eyes but also with a sense that I had just visited with them.

We cannot deny the fact that when our loved one dies and leavestheir physical body, we have difficulty understanding how “placing the memoryof that person in your heart” will actually assist in the grief process. The pain of grief is the main obstacle inone’s ability to move the memory from the mind to one’s heart.

But in my grief journey I have found it interesting how lifeoffers us many opportunities to learn and how our life lessons are neitherconsecutive nor learned in any specific order. Maybe our deceased loved onesare not the only ones “bathed in a sort of aura of life.” Perhaps this may be aglimpse of viewing life through the soul; where we remember our life plan andthe relationships we agreed upon and where we relate to one another on a soullevel not merely through our minds. I’m so grateful for my learning but best ofall; I like to think that as I have been growing, Zac has been travelingextensively abroad… I hope you are able to open your heart and it isfull of wonderful memories… Chris

Messages From Mom: Still a Role Model On The Other Side…

2011-06-16T01:09:00.000-07:00

The mother’sheart is the child’s schoolroom.
HenryWard Beecher

Doyour loved ones know what and how you are doing after their death? Do you thinkthey want to maintain a relationship with you? They will let you know they are still a part of your life if youallow yourself to be open to their communication, signs or messages.

I wastalking to my husband when I received a picture of my Mom holding a littlebouquet of dahlias. This seemed a little strange because my Mom has not visitedme very often since she passed away and has never interrupted in the middle ofa conversation. My initial reaction was questioning why but I quickly realizedthat this was her subtle way of maintaining her role as my teacher.

Wewere discussing my aunt who is a patient of Hospice and a couple days ago wewere notified that she was in her dying process and would probably not live formany more days. Since receiving that information I contemplated theirrelationship and was curious about what her crossing over would look like. (Ioften receive images of a person’s crossing over experience and how they weremet and who met them when they reached the other side) My aunt and mother havetwo very different personalities in that my aunt was not happy with most of herlife and my mother was equally happy and accepting of hers. Although raised bythe same parents, my mother worked hard to come to peace with her history and tochoose happiness. My mother was an excellent role model and I was alwaysimpressed by the grace she showed concerning any difficulty between them. My mother had strong spiritual beliefs andbeliefs in the afterlife that we often shared. She believed we came into thislife to learn from our life experiencesand that we agreed upon the relationships and circumstances in our lives inorder to learn our life lessons. So, itwas no surprise when I realized that this sign was a further example of mymother’s grace, kindness and willingness to continue to teach me lessons even though she is no longerphysically with us.

Mymother’s sign was her way of letting me know that this is how she would begreeting my aunt when she returned home and that she (my mother) has “done herwork” in recognizing her lessons and obviously knows what she was to learn fromthis life. Forgiveness was a strong lesson for my mother to learn in this lifeand her message to me was important so that I clearly knew she learned thislesson. (By demonstrating forgiveness) This dual message was comforting because although her life lessons are not myissue to contend with, part of my grief has been troubled by revisiting herlife trauma.

Mom’smessage was not merely, “I’m ok and I’ve learned my life lessons” but she wasagain reminding me to step away from the physical reality of life and move intoand live from my Higher Self. It is by knowing, accepting and living life froma spiritual perspective that we are guided toward acceptance of our trials andtribulations in our life. Her message was a reminder to let go of anxiety,worry, frustration or any other feeling that distracted my journey from thenatural flow of living. It is in the letting go, accepting and trusting thatreminds us that we are on our path. Momnot only gave me a picture of herself but also a snapshot of real lifeand a reminder to trust that I am on my path.

Ourfeelings during our grief can sometimes distract us and allow us to lose sightof our values and beliefs. When we doubt our beliefs, it’s important toremember that we all come here with our own individual life lessons and individuallife chart. Your loved ones planned their life and their death. Recognizing andaccepting this notion can be an important step in your progression through yourgrief.

I’mwishing you compassion (for yourself and others) in your life but also when youare asking those difficult grief questions, (why did they die, why did theysuffer, why could they not be saved, etc) ask yourself the question, “Whoselife lesson is it?”… Chris

P.S.I received an email yesterday telling me that my aunt passed away about thetime I was writing this blog post. My Mom met her with a hug and the bouquet ofdahlias…

P.P.S. About the misspelling in the quote from the last post…I meant the vehiclenot the person…hearse

(Well ya don’t bring nothing with ya here and ya can’t takenothin’ back, I aint never seen a hearse with a luggage rack…. GeorgeStrait (song) You’ll Be There

Bereaved Child: What Do You Do With My Stuff? Bereaved Parent: What Do I Do With My Stuff?

2011-06-14T20:08:00.000-07:00

Well ya don’t bring nothing with ya here and ya can’t takenothin’ back, I aint never seen a hearst with a luggage rack…. GeorgeStrait (song) You’ll Be There

Have you ever had a garage sale? Have you ever had to gothrough your child’s possessions, bedroom and belongings or clean out their apartmentafter their death? Bereaved parents will tell you that this is not an event butis a process and may take several attempts to complete and may only be accomplishedover time.

I have been preparing for a garage sale for several weeksand going through the different rooms in our house weeding out, getting rid of andrecognizing those material possessions which we no longer need or want. Many ofour material possessions are no longer needed/wanted because we are no longerin the same place in our lives as we were when we originally collected them. (ie:after retirement, I surely do not need all the professional clothes Iaccumulated nor do we need to maintain toys in a toy box for grandkids thatattracted them about two developmental stages ago) But I also recognized thatthis situation has provided me with more than just the opportunity to uncluttermy home, but it has also been an exercise in gratitude, refocusing and reviewingmy grief process.

Although I know I am not an expert in astrology, I have beenaware of the effects of the current lunar eclipse season of upheaval and changein myself and others around me and have been determined to move through it tosome semblance of balance. Thus, my drive to unclutter my home was only a partof my need to center myself and also to be able to allow my own life energy toflow without obstruction. I needed a life booster shot and the garage sale preparationhas provided me with unexpected lessons.

Backing up a bit, one of the early steps I took in my progressionthrough acceptance of Zac’s death was facing the decision of what to do with hisdifferent pieces of memorabilia and his belongings. This garage sale hasoffered me the fourth opportunity to face this process. (And many of us DO facethis task in increments)

About four months after Zac’s death I originallydivided his belongings into three different units. The first group of items could be and weredonated right away, the second group could not be parted with under anycircumstances and the third group would be put away to be decided upon at alater date. This is the second time thatthis third group of items has been readdressed. (The most difficult lesson was resultantof the surprise opportunity to let go when a garbage bag of his garage workclothes and other garage paraphernalia was discovered and disposed of someyears after his death)

Finding a variety of his possessions this last week providedanother window into my grief journey. It was a wonderful reminder (althoughbereaved parents do not need reminders of their children because they arealways in the forefront of their thoughts!) but it reminded me of his existenceat that point of his life, it awoke memories and I again could memorialize thattime and those memories and I could revisit those special items and memories froma different perspective. (Re: a t-shirt, a game he used to play, a book we gavehim for Christmas and the Christmas video of his reaction to the gift) Althoughthose memories will always be with us, they also make parting with thepossessions impossible. And when I think about it, I don’t think that is tooweird. I may go through this again the next garage sale and I may have todecide then whether I am ready to part with that memory or not. But until then, now I can look at that smallerbox in the closet and see what still remains of Zac. I realize that Zac’s placein my heart has grown bigger now while the box in the closet has gottensmaller. That is another part of acceptance and I am extremely grateful forthat.

Moving through denial and acceptance, Zac left my physical life but hehas become a larger part of my heart and my spiritual life. I’m grateful to beable to view my life differently now … I hope you find comfort someday in dealingwith your stuff… Chris

(to watch George Strait sing this wonderful song, You'll Be There, watch this YouTube video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLSlskwlNMk&feature=related

What Activities Do Our Loved Ones Do on the Other Side?

2011-06-06T22:22:00.000-07:00

Your life is aprocess of lessons. Notice them. Appreciate them. Learn from them. Zac

Have you ever wondered what your loved ones do on the otherside? Have you ever thought about what your loved one might be doing right now?I know, an interesting question to ask but one that probably many people wouldnot even think about, but, one I think about often and I also ask!

Tonight, as I was driving home from the grocery store, Iasked Zac how was his day and what did he do for fun today. Of course he first remindedme that there was no time on “hisside” (today/tonight - he often helps me remember to think from his perspective)and then he gave me an answer that I was unprepared for. He said that he hadthe choice of:

1. A basketball game

2. APing Pong game

3. Fishing

4. Talking with a race car driver (I’m sorry hedid not tell me who!)

I asked him which he chose and he said the Ping Pong game.He told me that the reason he chose the Ping Pong game was so I could tell hisGrampa that he won…with no hands! (Zac had and has a great sense of humor and I’msure this must be some kind of joke between the two of them) He further told methat the choice was for a reason. He said they continue to learn lessons on theother side just like we do here and his choice and his lesson was to be able toplay this game when Grampa returns home. Giving up the chance to talk to therace car driver was his way of placing his Grandfather’s need first before hisown desire. It’s nice to have those reminders that our loved ones’personalities do not change on the other side.

So, in your conversations with your loved ones, ask themwhat they did today. You just might find out! Be aware, watch for signs andlisten…. Chris

The 102nd Angel of Hope Dedication

2011-06-02T23:58:00.000-07:00

Be near me when my light is low. Alfred Lord Tennyson

Tuesday night I attended the dedication of Salem’s (Salem, Oregon that is) Angel of Hope statue. Salem has the 102nd Angel of Hope in the United States (Oregon has one other in Portland) and it was unveiled to be the result of many donated hours, services, resources, financial contributions and materials. Ginny Renaud of Salem spearheaded the monumental task to bring the Angel to the Salem community in memory of her granddaughter who passed away in 2003. To further memorialize her, the dedication date would have been Madeline Yamen’s 8th birthday.

For those of you who might be unfamiliar with the Angel of Hope and her significance, she was a symbol of hope and healing that was born from the originally self published book that became a best seller, The Christmas Box by Richard Paul Evans. It’s a beautiful story which touched millions and created a wonderful way to offer grieving parents hope and healing. (www.richardpaulevans.com)

For those of you who would like to view another picture of the dedication and read the newspaper article, the following is the link to the Salem Oregon’s Statesman-Journal newspaper.
http://www.statesmanjournal.com/article/20110601/UPDATE/110601024/Angel-Hope-statue-dedicated?odyssey=tab|topnews|text|News

The following link is a listing of the cities where the Angels of Hope are currently located. http://www.richardpaulevans.com/angel-statues/locations

My friend, Deneene Florino, who is a grief counselor and intuitive author has written the book, The Angel Tales: A Refuge for a Parent’s Healing Heart. It was inspired by the above mentioned book The Christmas Box by Richard Paul Evans. The Angel Tales: Refuge for a Parent's Healing Heart chronicles her journey visiting eleven Angel of Hope statues and gives voice to the children who died at all ages and their parents. It discusses each Angel’s story: why it was erected, how its location was chosen, and the miracles that have taken place around it. (http://theangeltales.com/index2.html)

If you do not have an Angel of Hope available to you, I hope you are able to identify a method of honoring your child, grandchild or loved one in a manner that helps you in your grief, gives you hope and supports your healing heart. Chris

Albums of Love To Remember Our Deceased Loved Ones

2011-05-28T23:53:00.000-07:00

Rememberingis painful, it's difficult, but it can be inspiring and it can give wisdom.Paul Greengrass

The other night I was looking at the videowe made at my mother’s Celebration of Life and I was struck by a moment ofgratitude for the reminders of the memories. We made a video of the celebrationitself and a video set to music displaying the pictures of her life. As I satand watched the video I couldn’t help but think about all the memories thatwere captured in the videos and how they will remain in our family’s historyfor as long as someone maintains the collection of DVDs. I was grateful notonly for the memories but also for the technology to be able to provide for ourfuture.

Also, while my mother was in the earlystage of her Alzheimer’s Disease, I made a picture album for her as I thoughtit would be something we could use to help her maintain her life through her visualsense but also something she and I could share as she progressed in the disease.(it was also a great tool for other family members to share time with her andto help all of us gauge her progression) Although designed for my mother, Irealize now how helpful it is now for my father in his grieving process. I can’tcount the times he has mentioned looking through this album and remembering andalso discussing memories and learning more about my mother and our familythrough our discussions. It has been wonderful watching my father beingassisted through his grief in a way that I would have not previously imagined.

Now, I know this was no coincidence, butthe day after I realized how these videos and especially the picture album madefor my mother was now helping my father in his grief, I met a woman named TracyCullen who was inspired to create memory albums of the deceased for survivors. Grievingthe death of her sister and being aware of her sister’s surviving children’sgrief, she was inspired to create “Albums of Love” to provide grieving childrena tool for healing through the death of their parent. This idea has now blossomedinto creating custom scrapbooks to be able to help anyone in grief remembertheir loved ones.

Whata wonderful idea! And although my grief experience was not like Tracy Cullen’s,I see the tremendous value that custom scrapbooks have as a tool for healing ingrief. Grief journeys are different for each individual but knowing we are notalone in our grief can be a comfort. We all need to share useful tools,learning, understanding and strategies. This one I am happy to share. Do takethe time to visit her wonderful website at: http://www.albumsoflove.com/index.html Chris

How Are Bereaved Parents Like Louisiana Flood Evacuees?

2011-05-22T23:08:00.000-07:00

When the heart weepsfor what it has lost, the soul rejoices for what it has found. Sufi Proverb

I had originally planned to blog about another subject butthis afternoon when I breezed through the Oregonian newspaper, an article notonly caught my attention but allowed me to move to a place deep within me toview a different stretch of life through different eyes. On page 4 was an article about the displaced Louisianafamilies who are anticipating the Mississippi floodwaters to engulf their homesand towns. The Army Corps of Engineers partly opened the Mississippi River’sMorganza floodway on May 14^th to spare Baton Rouge and New Orleans fromcatastrophic flooding but the water it was diverting from the Mississippi intothe Atchafalaya basin still had not reached the town nearly a week later. As thosepeople living in the pathway waited for the floodwaters to recede, they also waitedin agony as differing information produced optimism and frustration asevacuation orders were pushed back two days only to have to wait until Mondayto learn whether the evacuation order will be reinstated or not.

Meanwhile, the weather service predicted Saturday that aninch or more of rain would fall in Louisiana and 5 to 6 inches was expected upriverin Illinois and Indiana. Thus another variable that families have no controlover and must add this information to their box of acceptance. A week ago amandatory evacuation was ordered for hundreds of families in towns farther upthe Atchafalaya River so it heightens the anticipation of the waiting familieswhile they watch the water rise in their backyards.

As I read this article, I placed myself in these families’ shoesand recognized myself in very familiar territory. Of course this situation isplacing a home and family possessions at risk but I can imagine the feelingsthey must be experiencing are quite similar to that which grieving parentsexperience. I visualize similarities in both parental anticipatory grief andthat experienced after the sudden death of a child.

First, I believe a parent’s worst nightmare is the thoughtof the death of their child. (This is why death is a taboo subject because itis so difficult to think about our own or the possibility of a loved one's death) When achild has an incurable illness, the parent has to continue taking their dailysteps of living while anticipating the expected outcome. Some of these Louisianafamilies have used the evacuation reprieve to continue sandbagging or movingfurniture to higher levels in their home. One almost-flooded resident said, “Iam probably numb as we still don’t know what to expect.” This is an often heardstatement made by grieving parents experiencing their grief journey as thegrief is so unfamiliar, overwhelming and devastating. They feel lost and alone dueto the unfamiliarity and unexpected situations they must navigate. Signs andstatements made by some Louisiana residents: “Stay Strong,” “Believe,” “Our heartsare broken but our spirits are not” and “We will come home” reminded me of theinner thoughts of a bereaved parent that might be spoken when they have becomefamiliar with the multiple steps of acceptance in their grief journey and theyhave made the choice to live after the death of their child.

The article further described the differing behaviors of theresidents. Some residents have left their towns prior to the evacuation order,others continue to protect their homes as long as possible and others agonizeover the possibility of being away from their home for weeks without the knowledgeof the outcome. Again, this is another similarity between the evacuees and thebereaved which results in different behaviors due to individual personalities.

I am grateful I have never had to experience theanticipation of the possible loss of my house and possessions but I can surelyidentify with the possible feelings these residents might be experiencing. Whilemy empathy may not come from a place of first hand knowledge, my heart andprayers go out to the people of Louisiana who face a very unsettled future. Pleasejoin me in sending these Louisiana residents your prayers in the hope that, they will come home… Chris

Noticing the Sacredness of Life

2011-05-16T23:49:00.000-07:00

After you had taken your leave, I found God’s footprints onmy floor.

Rabindranath Tagore

I had not planned on blogging tonight but I came across thisquote and realized that I must comment on it as I realized that this was asummary of my day.

So many times today my mother walked into my thoughts which Iknow were no accidents as I felt her around me all day. I smelled the potpourrishe made, I notice the clocks at 11:11 and I heard myself saying things thatreminded me of her. The drooping fuchsia plant that I hung up on the patio the otherday now stretched high in the triangular area of the plant hanger and remindedme of the many hanging baskets that graced her back yard gardens over the years.(I usually purchase geraniums not fuchsias due to their possible longer lifespan under my caretaking but I chose differently in her honor for this summer’sgarden) I walked out in my backyard between rains and knew she was admiring thework I had done in reshaping the yard over the last two days. I heard hergiggle when I played a video on my computer today and knew she had guided me towatch it when this particular video had been on my computer for some time now.

All these events were not just reminders of my mother butwere sacred messages directly to me to let me know she was still in my life. I’velearned that the sacred is all around us but actually shows itself in our lifewhen we are aware of it. It is life’s blessings that can demonstrate thosemoments of sacredness like birth, the death of a loved one, a child’s firststeps, graduation, and a wish fulfilled, being loved and helped.

Many of us don’t recognize these sacred connections but shortlyafter my mother’s death, my son Tyler stated that he knew as a little boy thatthe death of his Gramma was going to create a major change his life. As a smallchild he must have understood the sacred connection on some level. But on adaily basis most of us, regardless of our spiritual practices or awareness ofour inner journey, may not recognize the awe or mystery of life working in ourlife. But today, although I have been communicating with Zac and others on theother side now for quite a few years, today, I noticed the sacredness of life unfolding…andI was so grateful. I hope you open yourself to the sacred in your life. Chris

Transfer or Transform Your Grief

2011-05-14T23:53:00.000-07:00

Nobody can go backand start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. MariaRobinson

All grieving parents will experience a different paththrough their grief. Because we are all individuals, no one will be able totell you how you will feel or what you may experience. But, there are manycommonalities within the bereaved parent’s grief after the death of a child. Oneof them is that if a parent does not transform their grief, it (the grief) is transferredinto something else. The outcome can be demonstrated in any area of a person’sphysical, cognitive, emotional, social or behavioral life. Transferring one’sgrief is another topic for another post and thus may appear at a later date butI want to mention one way that one couple transformed their grief in a way thatis reaching a huge number of bereaved parents in a very unique way.

Last night on our local television nightly news (their Making a Difference segment) theypresented a touching and poignant story of a couple whose baby Calvin died at22 weeks gestation due to an illness and who was born too early to survive. Theytransformed their grief into something that could benefit other parentsexperiencing a grief similar to theirs. When they realized that they hadnothing tangible to remind them of their little baby after it’s death (an oftendiscussed element of miscarriage, babies born too early or still borns whichoften complicates the grief) they decided to help other parents with this dilemma.It is an important piece of grief not only to have “something tangible” of thebaby or child, but to have a reminder of the physicalness of the child (not thata parent will ever forget) and to have a token as a reminder that they are notalone in their grief and that someone cares. Calvin’s Mom, Jenna also statedthat she felt bad because the baby clothes did not fit their tiny baby (theseare the size of a golf ball or tangerine) and she wanted other parents to beable to have something that would fit their tiny babies.

Their idea has blossomed into a nationwide program of volunteerswho knit little hats for the tiniest of babies. The news story and the website http://www.kgw.com/lifestyle/Calvins-Hats-Tiny-hats-made-with-love-121814754.html and www.calvinshats.comboth discuss the volunteers who knit the hats which are sent to anyone whorequests them, through referrals and to hospitals around the US. Their hope isto provide much needed support peace, comfort and healing in this mostdifficult event of any parent’s life.

This is a wonderful way for a parent who has experienced thedeath of a baby to maintain their sanity, (something that all bereaved parentsunderstand) to have a tangible way to remember their baby and to experience theknowing that someone cares when it is impossible for the rest of the world tocomprehend their suffering.

Thank you to Calvin’sparents and to their friend who was thoughtful enough to carry out thiswonderful project to help other grieving parents. Chris

Mother’s Day for the Bereaved Mom…

2011-05-08T23:54:00.000-07:00

Mom and Chiquita 2004

It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn’t. Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams

Happy Mother’s Day. We hear the phrase a lot especially the days surrounding today. But to the bereaved mother, it is the most difficult day of the year. In relation to Mother’s Day, the pain factor is not dependent upon how long since the child’s death because the bereaved parent’s pain is ever-present and this phrase seems to stretch the hole in the heart regardless of the length of grieving time.

There are many reminders in the bereaved parent’s life that their children are no longer living with them but just having people say Happy Mother’s Day is probably the strongest outside reminder. Of course bereaved parents do not need reminders because that knowledge is present every single day of their lives. Although seldom is it that friends, relatives or strangers remember or know of the pain and continue to say Happy Mother’s Day…we still survive. We get through regardless of how painful the day is merely because that is what we have learned to do. If we’ve made it through the first year, we know we can continue. We get by, we make it, we know that it is painful but although it is a day just like every other day, on this day, unknowingly, people throw a mirror in front of our face which is a reminder of what no longer exists. Bereaved parents come to understand more and more every year that most people do not understand, do not remember and those who have not experienced the death of a child can not imagine the ongoing pain of the hole in their heart. This is nothing to be preached about to others because the situation will never be able to be fully understood by those who have not experienced the death of a child. Unrealistic as the thought is, I would wish that no one would ever have to understand this. But we all came here to learn life lessons and some of us planned to learn them through the death of our child. While excruciating, overwhelming, intense and life altering, it is through that life altering that we learn to be able to move through days like Mother’s Day.

Transformation that we acquire through our grieving process helps us recognize that we are here to learn those lessons and we learn them from our children. We trust that they are still a part of us and that we can choose to go on after their death. We transform ourselves by being open, being aware and choosing a different life; one that can be full of gifts if we allow ourselves to recognize them. Making that choice and recognizing a new life can transcend the pain, the loss and the missing and can bring gifts into life that were previously unimaginable.

My hope is that every mother received a message from all of their children today. Be open. They are there. They want us know they are still with us. Trust what you sense. (Zac 7-31-01) Blessings to you all and ….Mom, Happy Mother’s Day! Chris

Fears of Death and/or Your Final Wishes

2011-05-07T13:45:00.000-07:00

Columbia River

The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time. Mark Twain

Have you ever had to plan a funeral or celebration of life? If you have, you know how difficult it is to determine what is appropriate for that person, what would they have “wanted” and how best to make those final arrangements…cremation or burial. How much easier this task could be if we all discussed what we want for our final arrangements. This would take away some of the pain as well as it could possibly avoid family disagreements, questions and opinions.

Obviously, we do not discuss death because of our fear. We fear the uncertainty, we fear the finality of death and we fear that death may be the end of our existence. We fear that if we discuss death, that IT will become more real. Now, since death is the ultimate destination for all of us one day, this theory is not based in reality, but most of the time fears do not make sense anyway.

A close friend of mine’s brother passed away the other day and she made a comment that reminded me of this situation. She and her brother spread their mother’s ashes on the Columbia River many years ago. Because of this, she asked her brother’s partner if she could have some of the ashes to also spread on the Columbia River. To her surprise and delight he agreed saying that this was the plan they had discussed and agreed upon. I could see the relief, satisfaction and comfort this information gave my friend when she shared this plan with me. Many other options could have been suggested by a variety of relatives but because of the thoughtfulness of the brother’s pre-planning, the unknown as well as possible added stress and emotions were avoided.

There are many ways to pre-plan your last wishes. Funeral homes and Hospice agencies can help you with options specific to your situation and location. Some issues around alternative care, estate planning and other end of life care issues may necessitate the use of an attorney if a durable power of attorney is necessary for your loved one. But some options are: 5 Wishes, “the living will with a heart and soul” that is quite user friendly and written in 26 languages, (http://www.agingwithdignity.org/five-wishes.php) other living wills that can be found on the internet, DNRs (Do Not Resuscitate) State specific Advanced Directives (http://www.caringinfo.org/i4a/pages/index.cfm?pageid=3289). Please take the time to search the internet as there are many options and much to learn about end of life issues that we do not and cannot learn until touched by a loved one’s death. Honor and esteem your loved ones with one of these options.

Attending funerals, planning celebrations of life and “getting through” the initial grief period is extremely difficult for most people. One of the last kind things a person can do for their loved ones is to discuss their desires for their end of life. This is not a morbid, sick or gruesome task. Making some choices before your death assists your loved ones in their grief. Wouldn’t you want to offer them one last kind gesture? I hope you can move beyond your fear of discussing death to leave a comforting memory for your loved one. Chris